Compartmentalizing is the name of the game today. It’s been a year since we lost Mame and I just can’t do it today. I can’t disolve into to tears. I can’t think about how much I miss her and all the other sad feelings that would overwhelm me if I let them. I had an ugly cry (a really ugly cry) on PW’s shoulder last night so that I could face today and the tasks at hand without puffy eyes (it’s not going to great so far). I just need to get through today in one, non tear streaked piece and can and will accept and feel whatever emotions come my way on another day. It’s just too much today.
I have a voice mail from last May on my phone from Mame and I can’t delete it. It’s so funny – it’s her telling me that she swears there is a bird in her yard and when he chirps, it sounds like he’s saying “Baylor! Baylor!”. She ends the call by noting that she has yet to take her pain meds so it is clearly real and not a hallucination. It makes me laugh and cry all at the same time.
So, no sad comments please. No long hugs or “how are you?” questions. Only jokes, snarky comments and funny stories today. I’m terrible at hiding my feelings so I need all the support I can get. We’ll deal with the sad stuff later, ok?