Tag: funny

The Wine-o that I Know

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It seemed fitting that I imbibe a glass (or two) of wine while I write this post (p.s. it’s the evening when I’m writing. I haven’t gotten to the point where I’m drinking wine out of a coffee cup, thankyouverymuch).

My mom and step dad left for Montana, their summer home away from home. They run a guest ranch (www.hubya.com) just outside of Yellowstone and it’s the time of year that I hate when they go back to start getting ready for the season. We visit around the 4th of July and meet my mom in San Diego in the late summer, but that’s it until October each year.

The good part about them going? They unload their refrigerator, pantry and most importantly their wine collection on us! I left my mom’s house the other day with not only office supplies for the family business we run, but a ridiculous amount of wine. Not to mention the delicious things they purchase at Costco and AJ’s are now happily waiting to be ingredients in our next meal. The wine consists of either labels they’ve bought and decided they didn’t like (never had that problem myself) or gifts of a vintage they don’t prefer. But despite their origin, they are all happily at home in our modest wine rack.

While the influx of fermented grapes is wonderful, there are a few down sides. The first is we now have a great excuse to pop the cork more nights a week. And while this makes the night very enjoyable, my productive projects that I schedule for after Baylie is asleep like ironing, blogging, mopping, etc, are shot. While wine fueled posts are generally funny, they usually prove to be too much work to edit the following morning. And wine fueled mopping is dicey at best.

The second problem is that  is that I think the cheap wine we usually buy is a little self conscious. Peter pointed out that one of the bottles from my mom was from 2002. It occured to me that I never pay as much attention to the date on the label as the number on the price tag.  Therefore the bottle(s) of Rex Goliah ($4.99) is feeling a bit inferior to the bottle of Monte’s Alpha (not a clue on the price since I shop the shelves from my waist down) that I’m quite certain cost at least four times that.

But! Not to worry my pretties. I will drink you all and enjoy you equally. Or at least that’s what I’ll tell you.

What’s In Baylie’s Bag? 6th Edition

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This week’s bag contents are pretty eclectic. In fact, I don’t know where she found some of this stuff seeing as I haven’t see it in a very long time.

In the last WIBB post, I received a very strange comment on the post regarding the contents of Baylie’s bag. It all but accused me of being a child pornographer because apparently the doll’s bathing suit in the picture looked like a child’s bra (random?). I promptly deleted the comment and was very close to letting the reader know to take their business elsewhere. So, for any new readers of The Goon Room, What’s in Baylie’s Bag? is a weekly post that details the contents of my sweet two-year-old’s bag of choice. It’s amusing to see what she has decided is worthy of carrying around repeating “let’s go!!”.

This week’s bag: New Monkey themed bag from the $1 section at Target. Baylie makes “monkey” sounds when she points to the picture.

Contents:

A tea cup

2 Bunny cups

Bunny ears

Barbie (a must)

Your Personal Penguin book

Baby Colors book

Wooden duck toy

2 religious medals that I haven’t seen in years

2 sets of keys

A door bumper

An Easter Card

It’s The Little Things

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It’s the little things in life that bring the most pleasure. Sometimes it’s hard to see those little things, or even remember what they are, but once in a while, I get smacked in the face by one and I remember how great it is.

Last week, Baylie went to “Camp Mamie” which means she goes to her Godmother’s house to play for a little while and I set out to run a few errands.

On my way back from the last stop, a song I haven’t heard for a while came on the Ipod. The Killers’ All These Things That I’ve Done makes me think of the summer before Peter’s third year of law school. We were in Phoenix while he did a summer internship for a law firm. It was almost time to pack up and drive back to DC. I woke up to the clock radio playing this song and I was hooked. I had no idea what it was, but I couldn’t get it out of my head. I had to (embarrassingly) sing it for Peter so he could try to find it on Itunes. Once it was securely on my favorite playlist, I practically wore out my Ipod listening to it. That same week, Peter got a job offer from the firm he had been interning for. Suddenly it was like our entire future was clear; we were going to get to come home to Phoenix. We could think about where we would live and make plans for the following year instead of having to say “we’ll see where Peter gets a job and then we’ll see”.

When my sister Ali and I got our first car (a ’94 green Volvo named Alfie) our favorite thing to do was drive with the windows down and the music cranked up. The feeling of freedom was only amplified by the wind in your hair and the bass in the speakers.

Remembering that feeling, I rolled down all four windows and turned up The Killers to an embarrassingly loud level and drove.  And enjoyed the simplicity of  the sun and wind and memories.

Sir, We GET IT

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We live near a large park and in general have very active neighbors. I tend to see the same people out often in about a 1 mile radius around our house and especially jogging on the canal. I’ve noticed lately that I have seen the same guy running all over the place; near the mall, near the grocery, at the park, etc.

The reason I notice him is not for the reasons I think he would want to be noticed for. First, he always wears a beanie. It can be 60 degrees or 100+ and the guy always has on a beanie. Second, he’s never wearing a shirt. Third, he wears cargo shorts. And lastly but certainly not leastly, he has two LARGE Doberman Pincers on a joined leash tied around his waist.

The first time I saw this dude running by my car, my thought was “We get it! You workout! A lot! And you have tough dogs! You want everyone looking at you to think you’re tough too! But the dogs tied to your waist might be a touch overboard!”.

Every time I see him, I can’t help but think about what kind of person he is – because you can’t workout like that and not be a total and complete weirdo. I imagine him to be that guy in the office who is short and bald so he makes up for it by talking loudly and also condescendingly to his coworkers. He drives a BMW, but only makes $30k a year. He wears Ed Hardy shirts (when he does wear a shirt) and  he doesn’t have a conversation without texting on his blackberry.

In short, I hate this guy. It takes great strength to stop my car in front of him, roll down the window and scream “REALLY?!?!”. And on the outside chance someone reading The Goon Room knows Mr.Shirtless Waist Leash guy, do him a favor and give him the link to the blog. And a shirt. And a memo that says “enough already, we GET IT”.

Coupons Shmoopons

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I keep seeing the commercials for this show called Extreme Couponing on TLC. Here’s the link: http://press.discovery.com/us/tlc/programs/extreme-couponing/

Basically, these women go to crazy lengths to get multiple coupons which then lead to their entire grocery bill totalling $0. Meaning they have so many coupons, they don’t have to pay anything.

I do grab a few coupons here and there when I get them in the mail or from family members who don’t use them. My sister and I trade the leftovers from each Sunday’s paper and I end up with a little stack each week for the grocery. I refuse to buy anything that I don’t need or a brand I don’t like. If it’s not Jiffy Peanut Butter, I’m not interested.  Lately, I’ve had a few duplicates and I was very excited to live my own Extreme Couponing dream knowing that a few items on my list would be totally free. The money saving is just a bonus. Really, it’s turned into a challenge so saving money means duh, WINNING.

And here’s where I call bullshit on the Extreme Coupon movement. I have been to Safeway, Target, Fry’s and even (gasp) WalMart. And let me tell you, NONE OF THEM will take more than one coupon per item. Meaning if I buy one box of Truvia sweetener and I have three coupons, I can only use one coupon per box.

So how are these people doing it?! If WALMART won’t help me out, who will? Do these women stalk the cashier that they know either doesn’t know or  doesn’t care about the number of items to the number of coupons ratio?? That said, how are they buying 20 boxes of pasta for free? Are there coupons out there for the total cost of an item?? And who needs 20 boxes of pasta??

I guess my experiment goes down in the “failed” column. And I can stop trying to hoard extra coupons from family and friends and take a few dollars saved as a win. And leave the food hording, paper cut fingers, dumpster diving for tossed newspapers and cashier convincing to the “professionals”. You win ladies, you win.

Lack of Sleep is Funny Stuff

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Peter and I have always each been chatty sleepers (apparently what is true in wakefulness is also true in sleep). We both tend to talk in our sleep and I have a habit of walking. It seems to get worse for both of us the less we sleep and or the more we have going on in our lives.

As a kid,  I repeatedly scared my mom by walking into her bedroom at night chasing foul balls. Playing second base obviously extended beyond the field and into my dreams. I would be chasing a grounder, running the bases or headed back to the dugout. I usually woke up at some point and stumbled, confused, back to bed. Later in life, I have dreams where I need to be somewhere so I go to the closet and get different clothes to put on. This was particularly bad in DC, I would wake up with piles of shirts next to the bed. The worst part is I tend to wake up somewhere in the middle of finding the perfect outfit and suddenly become paranoid that Peter is going to see me in the closet and I’m not going to be able to explain what I’m doing there.

Since having Baylie, my walking has more to do with her whereabouts. Peter just informed me that while he was working on the couch the other night, I came out of the bedroom convinced he had forgotten to put Baylor to sleep and that she was still awake somewhere in the house. A few nights before that, I walked out to the couch, woke up a little, was confused at what I was doing there and made up something along the lines of “I forgot to tell you good night”. Something about getting caught in the act of sleep walking is apparently very embarrassing for me.

In my daily thought process of “how can I get more done in a day?!” it hit me – I need to sleep clean. If I could just pick up a mop or the vacuum on my way to the closet or where ever else I travel in my dream state, I’d have a much more productive sleep schedule…if I could fold the laundry instead of piling it up next to the bed, I’d be in business.

What’s in Baylie’s Bag – 5th Edition

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This week’s bag of choice was Baylie’s new Easter basket / bucket that was  a gift from my friend Chrissy. She spoiled Ms.B this last weekend with a bunny that was so incredibly soft, a blankie equally as soft, bunny ears and an Easter basket. Bay was in love with the goodies and also her new friend.

 

Contents:

Kat’s bathing suit

A silver play cup

The parts to Mr. Potato Head, but no Mr.Potato Head

1 Slice of play bread

Toothpaste

Books: “Time to Sleep Mr.Sheep!” and “Where is Baby’s Bellybutton?”

Barbie – who was formally undressed, but I felt since this isn’t an X-rated blog to clothe her

A wrist rattle made for a baby – Bay thinks it’s a bracelet

Also note the blur of color behind the table – this is Bay closing the blinds. You see now why the neighbor thought she was two kids instead of one.

Move Your Phi’t

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The basis for the name of my blog is my college sorority and the lovely little room where we convened to chat – the goon room. Alpha Phi (pronounced “fee” – the title of the post makes more sense now, no?) has given me a home away from home, wonderful friendships and amazing memories. And yesterday was no exception.

The ASU chapter of Alpha Phi hosted a charity 5K race raising funds and awareness for the national sorority’s cause, cardiac care. My good friend Kristin (featured in “I Do! I Mean, They Did!”) organized a group of the UofA Fall 2000 pledge class to walk for the cause. We met at the park, strollers loaded for bear and kiddos and were ready to roll. Pun intended.

We managed to maneuver 3 strollers over packed dirt (not ideal for stroller wheels) and while we were the caboose, we completed the walk in under an hour. More importantly, we got to catch up and actually talk to each other since our kiddos were preoccupied with the other runners and each other. It’s always nice when gossiping can be for charity.

The hero of the day was Carrlene who pushed her adorable nearly 2 year old, AJ – while 8 months pregnant! Thank you also to Stephanie for picking up our registration and “phi’t” shirts (check out Stephanie at her blog: http://www.babycross.wordpress.com). We also got to meet Cuatro – or better known as Carter. The newest of the Phi babies at breakfast with his momma, Michelle. Thank you ladies! As always, it’s never a dull moment!

AJ, Carrlene, Stephanie, Kelsey, Kristin, me and Baylor B

What’s in Baylor’s Bag?

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This week’s bag of choice was a Nordstrom bag – momma has taught her girl well. In addition to the contents listed below, my car keys and my flip flops were included. However they were removed prior to the picture being taken because I was so relieved to have found them.

This week’s bag includes:

Let’s Count! Book

Her knit hat Grandma made

Bunny ears

Pegs from the peg play game

UofA Mardi Gras beads

Rubber ducky

A ball

Her Elmo lunchbox

 

Now that I think about it, I should have opened the lunch box. It concerns me a little as to what might be in there…

 

When is it Enough?

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About a year ago, I got a parking ticket in the mail. Well, not me, but someone who’s car was apparently registered to our address. We rented out our house prior to remodeling and moving in ourselves, so we do get mail for past tenants once in a while. But we’ve now lived here for almost 4  years so to get a parking ticket for someone other than PW or myself seemed odd.

I put the ticket back in the mailbox with a big note that the person on the ticket did not live at this address. I’m sure the City of Scottsdale was thinking “riiight. A likely story”. But I never got another copy and it all seemed to go away. Until this past January. Yet another parking ticket for the same person showed up at our door.

Because I’m paranoid by nature, I instantly flipped into “someone is trying to steal our identity! Scam us! Rob us!” mode. So I looked up the motor vehicle department’s number for fraud. I talked to a very nice, albeit confused woman and explained my problem. Without giving me too much information, she confirmed that the city had the wrong address for this guy and that his car was actually registered to an address other than mine. Phew. At least now I knew I wasn’t the target of some elaborate and strange scam. When I asked what I should do, she said put it back in the mail and tell the City of Scottsdale on the envelope that the person does not live at my address. And so I did.

Now, almost 3 months later, yet another notice has surfaced. This time it was a letter telling the parking violator that he now has a court date for not paying the ticket. Crap. Apparently the city does not believe me when I say this offender doesn’t live at my address and they also must not have gotten the memo on checking with the DMV once in a while.

So I’m left with the conundrum; what do I do? I’ve already called the DMV, sent multiple notes back to the city regarding the fact they’ve got the wrong address, tried to look the guy up online to give him a call and let him know what’s up – what else is there to do? I decided last night I would call the city today (in all my spare time) and try to find someone to explain my problem to…but now I can’t find the ticket. My lawyering, “don’t get involved” husband claims not to know what happened to it. I suspect foul play, but I can’t prove it. So now I don’t have the ticket number or anything but the guy’s name, which I’m sure the city will not be helpful with.

I don’t know why I care. But I feel terrible to think this person may get a warrant out for their arrest for not showing up at a court date that he had no idea he was supposed to be at.

All I can say is that there better be some sort of amazing karmic energy coming my way for all this trouble for a stranger…