While I very much liked my job at my previous employer (my new employer is short, bald, and screams a lot. But she’s cute and mine so I stay) I found the clients I dealt with were sometimes difficult. Or as Peter would say, bat sh*t crazy.
After a particularly fun round of “I can only execute the instructions you give me” fight with a client, I wrote the following email to my colleagues. It was obviously a prelude to what is now known as The Goon Room, but at the time, Outlook was my only, well, outlet. While this is much funnier in the context of work and having known the nuts we were working with at the time, I think it still has that special something that most in the corporate world will appreciate.
I would like to clarify a point which seems to be rather difficult for some (namely our client) to grasp. While my last name is ‘Wand’, it is only by marriage that I have such a magical surname. Sadly, the actual object of ‘magic wand’ did not come with the union. I do not posses any supernatural powers nor can I obtain said powers. I cannot wave said wand over any campaign for any client and ‘make it work’.
On that note, I do not own a time turner. Made popular by that stupid Harry Potter, I do not have that device in my possession. I cannot go back in time, rerun the database update and change the (incorrect) instructions you gave me. While my jewelry is quite fabulous, it does not have the power to go back and correct any and all mistakes (which you made, not me, fyi).
Lastly, I do not have telepathy skills. While you often ask me to look into your head and figure out what you want (not kidding, actually had a client say this to me and was NOT joking) I don’t have the software to do so. Also, the last thing I would do with said skill is look into your crazy excuse for a brain. The thing I need least in my life is more crazy (cowbell yes, crazy no) and peeking into your brain would put me over that limit for the millenium so I’ll pass.
In closing, you pay me to do a job, so let me do it. If you want to pay me to listen to you try to do my job, then the hourly rate just skyrocketed.
Sincerely and in no magical way,
To all of you that have to deal with this level of crazy on a daily basis, I sympathize. The good news is, it’s Friday!