Aaaahhh, Easter. The weather is beautiful, the kids are all dressed up and all the people who never go to church decide to show up and take my seat.
No, I’m not judging. If they choose to be a bad Catholic and only show up on Christmas and Easter, that’s between them and God. However, I am pissed that I showed up 20 minutes EARLY for mass (which is like pulling the pin on a grenade with a 10 month old) only to find this person has taken my usual seat and now we have to go to the overflow mass in the gym. The priest there can’t annunciate and the microphone is like some mythical creature he doesn’t understand and the acoustics are atrocious so it’s like listening to the teacher from the Peanuts cartoon; “Wahwah wahwah mwah wah”. Shoot me.
I’m not sure what it is about holidays either that makes people wear really inappropriate things to church just because they would consider them “dressy”. Someone needs to explain that “dressy” for a Friday night out and “dressy” for Sunday morning church are two very distinctive things. As Jimmy Buffet says “There’s a fine line between Saturday night and Sunday morning” and same goes for the clothing. Among the list of things I found to be unacceptable was a strapless, ass short, leopard print dress on a 16 year old. More importantly, I found the fact that her parents let her out of the house in it interesting.
The straw that broke the camel’s back for me came while Baylie and I were in the back of church. She was being chatty (for some reason this makes her quiet, but standing at our seat makes her want to narrate for us). There was a family of what I assume was grandma, mom, 11 year old son and 13 year old daughter dressed like she was 22. She was wearing a strapless, short yellow dress, 4 inch heals to match and bangs swept across her forehead that originated at her opposite ear so that she had to keep her head tilted to one side in order to keep them in place (not kidding). I happened to look over and see, at one point, her texting on her phone. Now, I’m just as bored as the rest of those there who couldn’t hear and didn’t get a seat in the main church, but TEXTING?? Really?? Is there no decency? I don’t want to be that lady at church, but damn it, that’s not ok. I tried to give the mom a look so she would make it stop and when she didn’t, I had to say something. As nicely as I could I said to the little tartlet that it’s not appropriate to text in mass. And she looked at me and said “uuhh, I wasn’t texting”. Look kid, I’m not your mom and I obviously don’t give a crap if you’re an inconsiderate ahole anywhere else but if you could save the ‘tude for someone who cares and take your hooker heals and phone outside, that’d be great. I got the stare down from her and her parents the rest of mass. I hope her mom’s was out of embarrassment. Peter then informed Baylie that if she ever A. dresses like that or B. acts like that we will move to a remote town in Montana and home school her. She nodded in understanding.
We proceeded to my mom’s house after mass where she had prepared the most amazing brunch with 3 courses and about a hundred dishes and ate like we’d never seen food. I also drank about 5 mimosas (mimosa meaning champagne that sat next to the orange juice on the table so it counts as a mimosa and not just champagne) and fed Bay a big plate of berries which she chowed down. I was a little confused as she might be the fussiest eater in the world and then found out they were sugared within an inch of their little berry lives. Sigh… Happy Easter!