Tag: funny

Grocery Store Fun

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I would say that 80% of the time, Baylor is an angel. She is polite, sweet and just an all around good kiddo. But the other 20% of the time she’s a beast. And worse, that 20% behavior is unpredictable. I never know when it’s going to hit and how bad it’s going to be. That said, I’ve learned to take “crazy baby” time in stride and not get too worked up about it. But I can’t say the same for those around us – and that makes me crazy! Like it’s going to help me that you are gasping at her behavior?! Here’s what I mean:

We hit the grocery store late yesterday. It was probably too late in the day to be going since we were up against dinner time, but I needed a few things desperately so we went. All was going well; Bay was happily driving the Car Cart and I had only hit one display with the damn thing. We were chugging through the store and had only one aisle left to hit. Then Bay announced she needed to go to the bathroom and since we’re potty training, we abandoned the cart and dashed to the bathroom despite the fact she was wearing a pull up. Once in the bathroom, she decided she didn’t really have to go. And I realized she was missing a shoe. So now I’m getting frustrated that we’re standing the only slightly clean grocery store bathroom nearly barefoot and for no good reason. I washed her hands and we went back to the cart.

That’s when it all seemed to fall apart. B suddenly decided she didn’t want to ride in the car cart. I refused to stop and told her to please sit down because we were almost done. Instead of being deterred by the moving cart, she tucked and rolled out the side. It was quite graceful actually. But I was not in the mood. She insisted on pushing the cart and when I said no, she got LOUD. I tried to regroup; I got down on her level. I asked her, calmly, to please not shout and to please sit down so we could get home. She answered me by saying “SHOUT!!” as loud as she could. Again, trying to stay calm I said screw it to the discipline and let her push the cart – we just needed some milk and then we would be home free! If only…

We got to the check out line and as I was putting the groceries on the belt, the cashier from the other lane stepped back to say hello to Bay. Bay then proceeded to bury her head in my leg in an act of shyness and then BIT ME. HARD. ON THE THIGH/BUTT. Not only did it hurt, but it surprised me so I yelped and then said “DO NOT BITE ME!!!”. That’s when the cashier gasped, loudly, and then exchanged a look with the lady in line in front of me.

So now not only am I in a bit of pain (I have the bruise to prove it), I am annoyed that my kid has just quite literally become a pain in my ass and now I’m embarrassed because the checker has just judged me for my somewhat out of control two year old. I got on Baylor’s level, said “Get back in the cart and sit still” in the low, mom “I mean business” voice that is similar to a dog’s growl and then tried to calm down while I finished unloading groceries. It was then that I got mad – who was this lady to cop a holier than thou attitude about how my kid is behaving? I can’t control everything she does and while she was not being good, she wasn’t tearing up the store or screaming or biting other people so really, I’m doing ok as a parent!!

As I swiped my card, the cashier joked (badly) “Does she bite often??”. I responded “Only when the cashier takes too long”.

While that’s not the best line I’ve ever had, it did wipe the smarmy smile off her face. So I’ve got that going for me. Which is nice.

Gambling with Appliances

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About 6 months ago, our dryer started beeping. Like all the time. Whenever it’s running, it’s beeping. And they dial never turns to the right setting unless you really shove it in – and even then you have to quickly push start with your other hand to get it to a delicate setting that won’t nuke they clothes.

I finally broke down and called Sears appliance repair. The guy on the phone was actually very through and very nice. He explained that they sell a 1 year warranty that will cover all the parts and labor and that includes whatever is currently wrong with it. The cost? $145. The visit itself was $129…so there was a chance that I just needed a new knob that costs $10 and I would get out for $140 bucks total. Oooorr I could buy the warranty and if there was some astronomically expensive part, it would be covered….decisions decisions. I felt like I was at the blackjack table trying to decide if I was going to hit on 12 when the dealer was showing 13.

Not being a gambler – or I should say a good gambler – I did not buy the warranty. And you know what? I was wrong. Dead, stinking, ridiculously wrong. I hit and got a Queen and the dealer got an 8.

Within literally 2 minutes of being in my laundry room, the man had an estimate of $450. Four HUNDRED and fifty dollars. One f word crossed my mind and it was not fifty.

Despite the repair man being very nice, he did look a little smug when he realized I had busted on my bet. So I took my chips and went home – or more accurately said No Gracias and decided I’ll keep my beeping drying until it croaks (hey, it’s made it 6 months!) and put that chunk o change towards a new dryer.

Who knows, maybe Baylor and I will form a band with the dryer as our beat box…

 

 

Dear Weatherman

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Dear Weatherman,

STOP IT. Stop telling me that there is a “cool down” on the way. Stop telling me that there’s “a chance for showers”. Stop saying that “we’ve seen the last of the triple digits!”. Stop saying it because you know they are all lies. Vicious, filthy lies. Every time there is a blessed 80 on the seven-day forecast, it keeps moving. It starts out on Thursday. And the next day it’s not coming until Friday. And on Friday, it’s coming on Monday. And suddenly it’s 105 again and the “cool down is coming!”. I can’t take it anymore!

So until you’re ready to come clean and be honest about the fact that even thought it’s October, it’s still 102 and that’s just the way it is, then I think we need some time apart.

Best,

Beth

Baylor-isms

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The munchkin has had another big language burst since starting preschool. I am constantly marveling at what she says and how much it changes and grows every day. She is constantly learning new words and putting together long sentences – it’s amazing to be able to communicate with her at this level!

Even though she’s learning so much, she doesn’t always have quite the right pronunciation. Which has made for a long list of hilarious “Baylor-isms”. Some of my favorites:

“Peter Butter Cups” – Yes, she’s talking about Reese’s Peanut butter Cups! She has learned that daddy’s name is Peter and apparently she also thinks he makes the awesome stuff that goes inside those addictive little cups.

“Shib” – Not the thing that prisoners stab each other with – rather this is her crib. It’s a word I hear often as there is usually an animal stuck her shib.

“Seeecreeetts” – this one she actually says correctly, but she doesn’t really get it. She will tell me she has a secret and then whisper the word “seeecreeettss” in my ear.

“Mine birthday is June 2nd” – I just love this one. She got in the car one day and I could literally see her working on forming the words before she finally announced her birth date perfectly! The look of pride on her face was priceless.

“Mustang Salad” – My mom’s first car, a 67 Mustang convertible, lives with us. She’s beautiful and we call her Cecilia. Every day we walk between the Mustang and our car in the garage and I usually sing the Wilson Pickett song Mustang Sally to Baylor. About a month ago and out of the blue, she started singing the song. Except when she says Sally, it comes out Salad.

“All the time” – it comes out, more like “All da time”. This is her catch phrase – almost everything is done all da time.  I will ask “Did you go to the playground today?” and the response will be “Yes mommy, all da time!”.

“Bethers” – Again, this one she says perfectly. Bethers is a nickname from college that Peter usually uses when he’s looking for me. So it’s always shouted across the house. One night while PW was giving Baylor her bath, she shouted “BETHERS!! ALL DONE!!” which meant she was ready for me to come put on her jammies.

I can’t wait to see what’s coming next. Although I did say that a car driving by us today was “ghetto” and she promptly pointed at the car and repeated “ghetto” perfectly. I’m sure there will be a note coming home from school soon noting that ghetto is not an appropriate word to use at school…unless of course something actually was ghetto.

 

Sick Saturday

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PW and I spent Friday night out with my best friend Beth (no, not talking in third person) and her husband Grant at the St. Mary’s football game. It was a blast to be back at our alma mater and especially fun since it’s where PW and I met. It was made even better because the Knights won!

Bay was fast asleep when we got home. About an hour after we went to bed I heard “Mommy. Tummy. Hurt.” on the monitor. I let it go for a bit because I thought maybe she had just woken up and was looking for a reason for us to come in her room. I finally went in and discovered her tummy did hurt. It had hurt all over her crib and down the side on to the carpet. The poor thing started crying when I walked in obviously sick, embarrassed and well, grossed out. It’s amazing how the ick factor diminishes when your kiddo is hurting. Suddenly it doesn’t matter that it’s 1am or that you’re cleaning up a very gross situation, it just matters that she feels better.

Saturday morning we decided to hunker down and just rest. No errands, no nothing. Just pedialyte and cartoons. Around 11, Peter decided to test out Baylor’s wellness by taking her on a quick, don’t-get-out-of-the-car errand. In my car. It was a failed mission. If you saw a man trying to clean a munchkin off on the side of the road on Saturday, it was them. It was solidified that a quarantine and lock down was necessary.

We spent the rest of the day watching football, movies, doing some crafts and a lot of napping. It was after I woke up from a ridiculously long nap that I realized how much we all needed a down day. We needed to stay in our jammies all day. Take a long nap. Sit around and do nothing. Make frozen pizza and not worry about having veggies on the side. It something we need to schedule more often so that we can enjoy doing nothing and not worry about what we’re not doing.

On a side note, Baylor is feeling much better and as of Sunday evening, neither Peter or I are sick. Fingers crossed!!

Where’s the Tome? – 6th Edition

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Sadly, this post does not have a picture. When you read the story, you’ll understand why.

This week Tome was in the water table, the bench outside, the bench inside and lastly Baylor’s crib. And not just in her crib, but sleeping on his own pillow with his own blanket next to her. As I was tucking her in for the fourth time, she reached over and grabbed Tome to snuggle – only to remark “oh my Tome” when his pointy hat caught her in the cheek. But being her parent’s daughter, she wasn’t willing to admit she was wrong in putting Tome in her bed so she tucked him and fell asleep.

There was a perfect picture opportunity of an angelic Baylor sleeping peacefully with smiling Tome under her arm. But I’m not insane (yet) so I didn’t risk the flash or click of the camera waking her up so for this edition…so just use your imagination this week!

Interest in Pinterest

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My friend Kristin turned me on to a website called Pinterest. I consider myself a pretty hip, happening and tech savvy person – and yet Pinterest baffled me. What the hell is it? How do I make it work? And why do I need to use it?

I decided to get an account, mostly so I could see what my friends were doing. They all post beautiful pictures that either they have taken or have found on the web somewhere. Again, I was left feeling left out. At one point in my life I would troll the internet looking for pretty things and fun ideas while chained to my desk during a conference call – but that ship has sailed. I barely get a check in on Facebook and fire off emails before it’s time to actually get to work, pick up the munchkin or get an errand run.

I met with the creators of Scottsdale Moms Blog last week and I am happy to say that I will be their DIY/Craft/Home project contributor starting in October! I was energized after our meeting and started to make a list of the things I wanted to write about and research to be done. I began Googling as fast as my fingers would type crafts, Halloween, kids crafts, easy crafts, no mess crafts, etc. I was bookmarking all the lovely ideas – but later when I was trying to find a picture again, I was stumped and guessing at each of the random bookmark titles to find what I was looking for…and then it hit me, Pinterest! How silly of me to over look such a useful tool…and just like that, I got it. Pinterest. I can take the picture from each of the sites I’ve bookmarked (better known as pinning) and put them on to a board (also fancy for category I create) and they will all be in one place!

So I spent a good hour going through all of the things I’ve felt were important enough to bookmark: books, recipes, pictures, craft ideas, home improvement ideas, funny blog posts. You name it, it was in my bookmarks. I created new boards on Pinterest and then sorted out all of the little Easter Eggs of ideas. And the result was a beautifully organized and visual account of all the things I think are worth hanging on to. Fun craft ideas for Halloween? Noted. Delicious recipe ideas? Pinned. Great books and blogs? Done. All of it right there and best of all, now friends and readers can see my ideas too. You can also steal them and pin them to your boards if you love them.

Check it out: http://www.pinterest.com

Search for me under Beth Wand

See what you think of what I’ve done and look around a little at what other are doing. I guarantee you’ll find something you like or worst case scenario, it will be a fun way to waste a few minutes. Happy Pinning!

Rain Rain….

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You know what is great? When it finally, finally rains. Like a good, soaking rain.

 

You know what is not great? When all of your clean bedding was air drying on the patio. Including the down pillows. And you don’t remember until they have all been soaked by the awesome rain.

 

Laundry? FAIL.

The Grinch Who Stole Night Night

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For months now, Baylor has required various stuffed animals, books and other talisman in order to fall asleep. Sometimes she’s literally sleeping on top of them so that all of them, and her, can be tucked in. Because of this, I usually sneak in her room about an hour after she goes to sleep to pluck out several items and move others to the foot of the crib (I can buy myself 15  more minutes of sleep in the mornings if she has a book and an animal).

I have perfected the art of lightly plucking the toys, blankets, pillows, books, tea cups, wooden angels, etc from under her or around her so that I don’t wake her up. I always think I must look like the Grinch nabbing Cindy Loo Who’s candy cane and sugar plumbs – quickly and nimbly sliding each item away from Baylor.

The other night she was dead asleep. I was pulling out the usual items when, without opening her eyes, she snatched back her Spot the Dog  book and said “no. My book” and clutched it to her chest. I realized that maybe I wasn’t as stealthy as I thought….or the kiddo has inherited both sleep talking and sleep walking (or grabbing in her case) from her parents!