Tag: humor

Grass Between Your Toes

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Due to the extremely hot Arizona summers and a slight to severe allergy to Bermuda grass, I don’t spend much time in the green stuff. But this time of year is a different story. The winter Rye grass seeds are all coming up and after two cuttings, our back yard looks like it has been redone with a lush, shag green carpet. But in a good way.

See what I mean?

Bay and I have spent many afternoons laying in the grass, looking at the sky or down into the ground. Kicking a ball or rolling around. Taking pictures and chasing each other. Just enjoying the simplicity of such a lovely thing.

(and yes, I know my Yellow Bells need trimming)

Fresh cut today…if only you could smell how good it smells!

One Pretty Place

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My friend Kristin is one of the most talented people I know. She can make anything pretty. And not only pretty, but cohesive, organized and functional. Her wedding? Spectacular. In fact, I wrote about it almost exactly one year ago!

Now Kristin has started a new blog called One Pretty Place (www.oneprettyplace.com). It is a collection of all things wedding and particularly for Southwest Weddings. It will also someday be a place that will promote her design studio on Etsy.

So if you are getting married, like weddings or just want to read about something…well, pretty! Check out and subscribe to One Pretty Place and get ready to be wowed by beautiful things within your budget and DIY skills!

Yes Yes, I GOT IT.

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This year for Halloween, Baylor has been passed down a great (and might I add very well accessorized) costume from her cousin Madi. She is new to Minnie, but she’s becoming a big time fan. The costume has everything, except for the ears. No biggie, right? I’ll just cruise on over to the Disney store at the mall and pick up a pair.

As I stroll into the store, there in the very front are Minnie ears. Except they have a pink bow instead of a red one. Bummer. So I ask the woman behind the desk…here’s how it played out:

“Excuse me. Do you have any Minnie ears with the re-”

“No! We are totally and completely sold out. Totally.”

“Oh. Ok. Thank yo-”

“And every store is sold out too!”

At this point, I’m pissed. I was sad that they didn’t have what I wanted, but to go and really shove it down my throat that they didn’t have it is a little much. And that’s when I get a little snarky..

“Oh. Do you think you could check to see if another store has it?”

“No. I just said that everyone is out.”

“Everyone? Even online? Like there are no more anywhere?? ANYWHERE??”

And that’s when she turned and helped another customer. So much for being the happiest place on earth. And the joke’s on her because I did find them at Party City for $6.99 rather than the $16.00 they charged at the Disney Store!!

This much excitement may mean that it’s time for some vacation….

 

 

One Sad Puppy

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Mr. Bear, our sweet old man Wheaton Terrier had a little doggie lypo suction this week. He has had two fatty cysts for over a year and one keeps getting infected. The vet said they were having a teeth cleaning special that included anesthesia and then while he was under, they would lop off the offending lumps.

I was nervous dropping him off yesterday. All I could think was “Are we being silly about this? What if he doesn’t make it through surgery? What if he doesn’t recover because of his age?”. But I trust our vet and have always appreciated her realistic approach to pet care so we kissed him and he scooted through the swinging doors.

They called a few hours later and said he did great. The surgery went very smoothly and the cysts didn’t look cancerous so that’s another win. I picked him up that afternoon and they carried my old man to the car practically held together by what seemed like 1000 metal staples. He sat next to B in the backseat and she said softly “I no touch your ouchies, ok Bear Bear? Feel better Bear Bear” all the way home.

After removing his cone and making him a special dinner of kibble and chicken stock, he started moving around. He is standing awkwardly which I’m praying it temporary, but he’s wagging his tail and moving around so I think he’s on the mend. I can’t believe I’m actually excited about the return of our kid toy eating, jumping on guest, rug peeing fur face. But I am. Get well soon Mr. Bear!

“Seriously Girl? Pictures? I’m trying to recover here. I’m so peeing on your rug when you leave today.”

Grocery Store Fun

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I would say that 80% of the time, Baylor is an angel. She is polite, sweet and just an all around good kiddo. But the other 20% of the time she’s a beast. And worse, that 20% behavior is unpredictable. I never know when it’s going to hit and how bad it’s going to be. That said, I’ve learned to take “crazy baby” time in stride and not get too worked up about it. But I can’t say the same for those around us – and that makes me crazy! Like it’s going to help me that you are gasping at her behavior?! Here’s what I mean:

We hit the grocery store late yesterday. It was probably too late in the day to be going since we were up against dinner time, but I needed a few things desperately so we went. All was going well; Bay was happily driving the Car Cart and I had only hit one display with the damn thing. We were chugging through the store and had only one aisle left to hit. Then Bay announced she needed to go to the bathroom and since we’re potty training, we abandoned the cart and dashed to the bathroom despite the fact she was wearing a pull up. Once in the bathroom, she decided she didn’t really have to go. And I realized she was missing a shoe. So now I’m getting frustrated that we’re standing the only slightly clean grocery store bathroom nearly barefoot and for no good reason. I washed her hands and we went back to the cart.

That’s when it all seemed to fall apart. B suddenly decided she didn’t want to ride in the car cart. I refused to stop and told her to please sit down because we were almost done. Instead of being deterred by the moving cart, she tucked and rolled out the side. It was quite graceful actually. But I was not in the mood. She insisted on pushing the cart and when I said no, she got LOUD. I tried to regroup; I got down on her level. I asked her, calmly, to please not shout and to please sit down so we could get home. She answered me by saying “SHOUT!!” as loud as she could. Again, trying to stay calm I said screw it to the discipline and let her push the cart – we just needed some milk and then we would be home free! If only…

We got to the check out line and as I was putting the groceries on the belt, the cashier from the other lane stepped back to say hello to Bay. Bay then proceeded to bury her head in my leg in an act of shyness and then BIT ME. HARD. ON THE THIGH/BUTT. Not only did it hurt, but it surprised me so I yelped and then said “DO NOT BITE ME!!!”. That’s when the cashier gasped, loudly, and then exchanged a look with the lady in line in front of me.

So now not only am I in a bit of pain (I have the bruise to prove it), I am annoyed that my kid has just quite literally become a pain in my ass and now I’m embarrassed because the checker has just judged me for my somewhat out of control two year old. I got on Baylor’s level, said “Get back in the cart and sit still” in the low, mom “I mean business” voice that is similar to a dog’s growl and then tried to calm down while I finished unloading groceries. It was then that I got mad – who was this lady to cop a holier than thou attitude about how my kid is behaving? I can’t control everything she does and while she was not being good, she wasn’t tearing up the store or screaming or biting other people so really, I’m doing ok as a parent!!

As I swiped my card, the cashier joked (badly) “Does she bite often??”. I responded “Only when the cashier takes too long”.

While that’s not the best line I’ve ever had, it did wipe the smarmy smile off her face. So I’ve got that going for me. Which is nice.

Gambling with Appliances

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About 6 months ago, our dryer started beeping. Like all the time. Whenever it’s running, it’s beeping. And they dial never turns to the right setting unless you really shove it in – and even then you have to quickly push start with your other hand to get it to a delicate setting that won’t nuke they clothes.

I finally broke down and called Sears appliance repair. The guy on the phone was actually very through and very nice. He explained that they sell a 1 year warranty that will cover all the parts and labor and that includes whatever is currently wrong with it. The cost? $145. The visit itself was $129…so there was a chance that I just needed a new knob that costs $10 and I would get out for $140 bucks total. Oooorr I could buy the warranty and if there was some astronomically expensive part, it would be covered….decisions decisions. I felt like I was at the blackjack table trying to decide if I was going to hit on 12 when the dealer was showing 13.

Not being a gambler – or I should say a good gambler – I did not buy the warranty. And you know what? I was wrong. Dead, stinking, ridiculously wrong. I hit and got a Queen and the dealer got an 8.

Within literally 2 minutes of being in my laundry room, the man had an estimate of $450. Four HUNDRED and fifty dollars. One f word crossed my mind and it was not fifty.

Despite the repair man being very nice, he did look a little smug when he realized I had busted on my bet. So I took my chips and went home – or more accurately said No Gracias and decided I’ll keep my beeping drying until it croaks (hey, it’s made it 6 months!) and put that chunk o change towards a new dryer.

Who knows, maybe Baylor and I will form a band with the dryer as our beat box…

 

 

When a Door Closes

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There is an old saying that when a door closes, a window opens. That’s true with life, but not in our house.

You see, we remodeled a late 50’s home a few years ago. And what was hip in the  fifty’s (long, rectangular windows) isn’t really hip today. However, the length of all the windows in our house were the exact width of double doors. So everywhere there was a window, there is now a set of french doors. And even where there wasn’t a window, we threw in a few more doors. The result? We have a 10 to 1 ratio of doors to windows. Yup, we only have one window in our entire house.

Normally this is no problem. Having an exit (or several) from each room is actually very comforting to me – you know, for all those pesky home invasions. But during this time of year, we kick ourselves. The weather is so beautiful and cool at night. But we don’t want to sleep with the doors open so we’re forced to close up the house and turn the air conditioning back on every evening.

When I pass the pretty doors with long skinny windows on either side at Lowes, I sigh and think what could have been. We could just have a little window with some fresh air blowing in, but no! We had to have french doors – not doors with windows. Arg.

Fall Has…

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Fallen? I guess if Spring has Sprung, that makes sense.

Anyway, it’s finally cooled down a little and we’ve been so happy to have all the doors and windows open all the time. This also means we’ve been playing outside as much as possible. We broke out the water table and toys, the sidewalk chalk and the paint brushes. Yes, I said paint brushes.

We discovered at the Children’s Museum one of the simplest and most fun activities – painting with water. Yes, you read that right. We get out the paint brushes, rolers and sponges, get a bucket of water and head out to the patio to get our paint on:

No clean up. No mess.

Also another all time favorite, the  sidewalk chalk. And PW showed Bay how to make a hop scotch pattern and jump around:

 

I love this…

So if you’re looking for us, we’ve gone chalkin’. Be back soon.

Dear Weatherman

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Dear Weatherman,

STOP IT. Stop telling me that there is a “cool down” on the way. Stop telling me that there’s “a chance for showers”. Stop saying that “we’ve seen the last of the triple digits!”. Stop saying it because you know they are all lies. Vicious, filthy lies. Every time there is a blessed 80 on the seven-day forecast, it keeps moving. It starts out on Thursday. And the next day it’s not coming until Friday. And on Friday, it’s coming on Monday. And suddenly it’s 105 again and the “cool down is coming!”. I can’t take it anymore!

So until you’re ready to come clean and be honest about the fact that even thought it’s October, it’s still 102 and that’s just the way it is, then I think we need some time apart.

Best,

Beth