Tag: humor

Mom Bloggin’

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Do you enjoy reading The Goon Room? Does it make you laugh, smile and help pass the boring hours at work? Can you relate, disagree or have you made one of the recipes I’ve posted? Then please rate The Goon Room on The Mom Blogs! Note the new link in the blog roll on the right —->

Link to new page on The Mom Blogs:

http://themomblogs.com/blogs/detail.php?link_id=11847

As always, thank you for reading. I enjoy writing and especially love writing The Goon Room and it’s huge that you all take the time to read and comment. I’ll remember you in the acknowledgments of my first book.

Dare to Dream?

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I had the most vivid and crazy dreams the other night. None of it made any sense, but at least they weren’t nightmares.

The bad part about them is they felt like work – I was dreaming about writing the blog and some funny idea that I had dreamt about. Yes dreamt about…in my dream I was dreaming. And the really weird part is that the in dream I was dreaming about, I was making a salad and how it was this brilliant recipe and the blog was going to be about how it came to me in a dream.

The interesting thing is that this blog was, in fact, a result of my dream. However, obviously the content is slightly different.

If only the work I do in my dreams was more productive….if I could sleep type or sleep mop, then I’d be on to something.

A Watched Phone Never Boils

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Er, rings.

Nap time in our house means Baylor sleeps for approximately 2 hours and mommy scrambles to get as much done in those 2 hours as possible. I can be quite productive – “to do” items are prioritized not only by need, but also if it can be accomplished with the help of my “assistant”. Dishes these days are a toss up. She’s actually pretty good at handing me the silverware and then is totally entertained pushing the buttons – she actually locked out the controls the other day and I had to break out the manual to undo it. Laundry is fine as long as she gets to push and pull the baskets, put the wash into the dryer, push all the buttons and I can fold it on the bed so she can’t pull down the freshly folded shirts. Most household cleaning is doable. She really likes to swiffer, take turns holding the vacuum and makes “ppssshhht ppssshhhtt” sounds while holding the spray bottles of cleaner (because she can’t actually squirt it, she just makes the sound).  But anything to do with the office is a no go – she lllooooovvveeess to type on the computer, whether or not I’m sitting at the computer makes no difference. She climbs into the chair and either wrestles me for the keyboard and mouse or stands behind me and tries to get the headband, hair tie or ear piece away from my head. Not only is it unproductive, it’s also potentially painful.

That said, all calls that I need to make, bills to be paid, blogs to be written and read, emails to be sent, etc. take place between in the hours of noon and 2pm. Most significant are the calls because I’m self conscious about a screaming kid in the back ground, especially when it’s a semi professional call. I try to make all calls of this nature around noon and then pray that the return call will happen before 2pm. Which, it almost never does. As soon as I hear the tell-tale sounds of a baby starting to wake up, I know that phone is going to ring. I try to ignore the sounds. If it hasn’t been two hours yet, I go in and silently rock her back to sleep, begging for just 45 more minutes.

No sooner do I close the door and sigh with relief… the whimpers develop into wails and I close out what I’m working on. Only then does the phone in fact, ring.

 

Bowl Game Tourists – It’s Time To Go Home

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Dear Bowl Game Tourist,

So glad you could join us in the Valley of the Sun for your team’s bowl game this year. While we’re all so happy to see your hard-earned dollars, some of us are not as thrilled to see you.

I would like to point out a few things to you to reference for the remainder of your visit and also any future visits (God help us). First, it is not necessary for you to wear your team’s paraphernalia aaalll the time. Also, more than one article of clothing with team logos, colors, slogans, mascots, etc. is not only tacky, it’s overdone. The locations where you are wearing these items should also be noted; i.e. nice restaurants and church are two places you should refrain from wearing head to toe blue and bright orange. God is happy to see you, however, he is not an Auburn fan and would like you to leave your obnoxiously loud and somewhat blinding scarf at the hotel.

Also, if you look up the crime stats of Scottsdale, I think you’ll find the results very reassuring. Therefore wearing your purse strapped across your chest while buying native american “artifacts” in Old Town is not necessary. Also, we know it’s cold where you live and comparatively, Scottsdale is warm. However, bearing your pasty white legs with socks pulled up to mid calf and shorts so short they should be illegal is again, unnecessary.

Lastly, while I think it is awesome that you actually paid for the neat window flags that you put on each window of your car with a big yellow “O”, it would be smart to pay attention to where you are driving rather than looking at your pretty flags. For example: the yellow lane in the middle of the street is a turn lane. The one with white dashed lines is a through or driving lane. Therefore slamming on the brakes of your rental car in the middle of the driving lane rather than the turn lane is a problem. Also, the pretty white sign on the side of the road with the black numbers on it are speed limits, not speed suggestions. So do your very best to match the speedometer to that neat number.

So as Auburn takes on Oregon tonight, I can’t help but just be excited that it will soon be all over and you all will be traveling home. Good luck, safe travels and next  year, just send us a check.

Kisses!

 

 

My Resolutions For The New Year

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I really don’t like resolutions. I feel like they make what is already a sad time of year worse. There’s nothing more depressing than knowing the fun, socializing, decorating, getting and giving, drinking and eating of the holidays are over and now I’m supposed to add a new and undoubtedly unfun thing into my life too? No gracias.

Thankfully for me, I don’t have any vices I’m willing to give up. We’re planning to have more kids some day so I’ll give up the drinking then – why put off that good bottle of wine on a random Thursday night now? I don’t smoke so I’ve got a big check mark next to that resolution and I wear sunscreen and my seatbelt so we’re good there too. I already work out and I’m near wedding weight so that’s covered. I already pinch our pennies, clip coupons and work any discount possible so that’s out.

The two things I’ve come up with are actually very fun resolutions so the chances of sticking with them are good. First, I need to get back into volunteering more. I love Pets On Wheels as written about in Give A Little Bit, but I’ve gotten away from it because it can be a hassle wrangling Travis T. Dog and the kiddo into the car and then through the nursing home. Last time we were there, a resident was coloring which Bay was all to happy to help out with. It’s always a toss up whether someone is a baby person or a dog person and this lady was not a baby person. It was a little exhausting getting B out of her room without the markers and with little screaming. But I think I build it up too much in my head and need to just take it for what it is. If we stay for 45 or 15 minutes, that’s good enough and that’s what I need to focus on.

Second, I’m going to get serious about growing our garden. I love to be in the yard and I love to grow beautiful flowers, but I tend to become a slacker on fruits and veggies once it starts to get hot and requires more work to keep the plants producing and or alive. But I really want Baylie to know that food doesn’t come from the grocery, but from the ground. So in addition to the two beautiful new rose bushes I got for Christmas, we’re going to plant carrots and scallions in the same planter. Then our usual two tomatoes, but I’m going to put in some serious effort to keep them alive past May. The jalapeno and sweet pepper that already exist and produce despite zero attention are going to get some serious TLC. Peter is building us a Martha Stewart inspired lettuce table that will be home to spinach, red leaf, butter lettuce and also strawberries – it’s my damn lettuce table and if I want it to be a lettuce and strawberry table, so be it.

Lastly, as soon as it’s warmer than 60 degrees out, B and I are going to plant the flower bulbs that I put out every year. Growing up, we always had pots of bulbs in the windows of our house. There was nothing prettier to me than the little green shoots on a dark, cold morning. Something about them made me feel like it wasn’t going to be cold and dark forever because spring was just around the corner.

I think any more than this amount of self improving would be like trying to make a sunset prettier…it would just be too much 😉

Clean Up Clean Out

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The spring cleaning bug has bitten at our house. Peter and I have gotten into the “clean up, clean out, organize and get rid of it” mode. Slowly but surely, we’re making our way through the closets, the cabinets and the toy bins (yes, there are more than one) and getting organized.  And hopefully getting enough stuff out to make a few bucks at a garage sale.

It’s amazing the amount of crap that you accumulate – especially when you have kids. It becomes very apparent after Christmas and birthdays when there is an influx of new toys and clothes. Or after a growth spurt where the “too small” clothes are tangled in a pile with the new clothes.

Because we are planning to have more than one child, we don’t get rid of a lot of Baylie’s stuff. Rather, we clog up most of my parent’s storage unit, which they are undoubtedly regretting offering us to use. As first time parents and first grandchild for my mom, there is an excess of stuff. We didn’t have 4 bottles, we had 10. And 10 of the various size nipples that are required for each stage of baby-hood. Don’t get me started on clothes – first grandchild, girl, first child – enough said. I could build her a full size house out of the storage bins of just clothes. Toys that she has grown out of, the baby bath that’s too small, the beastly stroller we used until she was big enough to fit in the jogger and two baby carrier car seats all are wrapped in trash bags (we’re classy organizers) and marked waiting for their next owner.

That said, I have come across a lot of stuff that I just don’t think we need to hang on to. Like stuffed animals, we have 29,000 of them and maybe 5 get played with. I’m not saying I’m the grinch and I’m going to get rid of them all, but some of the little trinket ones need to goooo. And the books that have been chewed up, torn apart and ripped up are out.

Moving on to my side of the closet….When you gain and lose 50 lbs over a 2 year period, the sizes of clothing in your closet vary wildly. There’s the pre-pregnancy clothing (aka, the skinny bitch stuff), the gaining-a-few-pounds sizes, the starting-to-need-elastic-waist pants, the super-cute-maternity clothes and finally the whatever-will-fit-over-my-ass-belly-boobs-and-doesn’t-look-too-bad clothes. And the process reverses after the baby is here. As the pounds have come off, I’ve moved clothes to what else, a storage bin. But I’ve never done a full sweep of the closet and the off-season stuff I put in storage under the bed. I’m more than half way through, just two drawers and accessories to go!

Peter has been hard at work in the garage. We have a great garage; it holds two cars and lot of stuff, which is both great and terrible as it tends to get messy easily. Thus causing me to walk through a maze of Costco paper towels, boxes of diapers, the jogger, the wagon, a bag of trash…the list goes on. He totally changed the layout of the storage racks and added a HUGE work table complete with peg boards and a new miter saw. Not sure how that’s helping us organize…but it is helping him make me a new “lettuce table”. More to come on that in a later post. It’s nice having a hubby who can sue people AND make stuff.

The kitchen, office and laundry rooms are next on my list. I think the level of difficulty will go in that order with the hardest being the laundry. We have a lot of great storage, but do not utilize it well which means a lot of extra work trying to decide the most efficient way to set it up. Currently it is the catch-all for a lot of crap – I found dog treats under a lot of other crap on the counter across from the washer the other day and started to freak out. I was picturing being on that show Hoarders and finding things I haven’t seen in years when I finally clean out all the junk. It was a frightening thought and has only fed my need to keep going!

Not Since You

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A few weeks ago a friend and sorority sister from college emailed me and asked if I would review a movie in The Goon Room. Christine Duell is an executive producer of a movie called Not Since You. She explained that it’s been a long time coming, but it was finally released and it was a great, romantic comedy.  I said that I would love to and she sent me a copy.

After I agreed, I became very nervous for several reasons. First, I am not a big movie person. I mean, I watch and enjoy movies, but I’m not that person waiting in line opening day or the person that has a subscription to IMDB or Rotten Tomatoes. I really only watch the Oscars for the clothes and then I lose interest.  I like what I like and I don’t what I don’t.  Which leads me to the second reason I was so nervous; what if I hated it?

The good news? I loved it. Even Peter who likes nothing but Westerns, loved it. The movie starts with a group of college friends converging in Athens, Georgia for a wedding. The beginning feels a lot like Love Actually in that there isn’t any background, you’re thrown right in and trying to figure out who is who and how they are connected. As the wedding nears, it becomes very clear that there is an old romance that is still smoldering between Amy (Kathleen Robertson – you’ll know her as Claire from 90210) and Sam (Desmond Harrington – not sure what he’s been in but whoa, is he easy to look at) despite Amy being married to Ryan (Christian Kayne). I liked both Ryan and Sam so it was hard to know who to cheer for and the outcome of both relationships leaves you guessing until the very end. Meanwhile, Sarah (Sarah Rue from the recent Jenny Craig commercials) is trying to strike up a relationship with the obviously damaged Joey (Elden Hensen). The source of his damage comes out late in the movie and made me tear up. His story is illustrated beautifully, but painfully. Then there is Billy (Will Estes – if you were in HS when U-571 came out, you’ll know who he is) and Victoria (Sunny Mabrey). They are in love and she wants to get married, but her past with his best friend Howard (Jon Abrahams) is holding Billy back from proposing. Victoria and Howard were dating when Billy and Victoria fell in love, thus making Howard the third and very bitter wheel. Until Billy can get Howard’s blessing, there won’t be a proposal.

The setting of this movie is beautiful and makes me want to visit my friend Melissa C in Athens. The overall feel of the movie is refreshing – it’s different from a big budget movie and I mean that as a complement.

The outcome of each person is unpredictable, making the movie “the total package”. It’s a great date night flick, girls night in or out, or something fun to watch during home-beauty-night with a face mask and glass of wine. It’s available on netflix, iTunes, pay per view and on demand for rental, filmbaby.com and amazon for purchase. And if you’re flying Air Canada in December, it’s available for your in-flight convenience.

I have been trying to think of funny ratings to give the movie – like 2 thumbs up or 4 “damn dirty apes” (that’s an actual rating for some radio show, I’ve not been hitting the wine or anything). So far, all I’ve come up with is Goons. Predictable, right? Well then, send me some new ideas! Until then, I give Not Since You 5 out of 5 Goons.

picture credit here.

Christmas 2010 = Success

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I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas, we certainly did. Our goal was to cut back on the retail side of the holiday as mentioned in Christmas in August. And the result was a success. We had a wonderful holiday with little stress and a lot of fun.

The only real downer of the weekend was our annual spat driving to my step sister’s house Christmas morning. We get together with all of our family and in a deluge of paper, open presents. It’s crazy and so much fun. But for the third year in a row, there has been an argument that has thankfully ended happily while we drive. Not sure if it’s the early hour, the getting-three-people-out-the-door-on-time or what, but there’s always something. Last year the climax of the fight was me saying “It’s done! I’ve already bought all the gifts so no matter what we spent, it’s done! So you’re going to drop it and we’re going to have a happy, goddamn Christmas!!”. Followed by three seconds of silence and then a car full of laughter. You know it’s bad when swear words are in the same sentence as Christmas. This year’s argument ended similarly with me saying “I might be grouchy, but you’re throwing out the bait and I’m taking it!!”. Silence…me realizing that none of that made any sense, laughter and then it’s over.

Updated with a great pic of me and Ms.B:

The Holiday Home Goods Parade

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I have a very large family and we get together often. But they’re almost all informal and involve food that doesn’t require utensils and paper plates. But for the holidays, we like to get a little fancier. The problem is that collectively, we have enough plates, silverware and cloth napkins for everyone. But alone, we come up short. So for each holiday there is a parade of items that travels from one house to the host house for use. I’ve pillaged my mom’s supplies for so many years of Thanksgiving’s and Easter’s, I don’t even  need a list of what I need to borrow and she usually just has it all out for me. 10 plates, the spare silverware, serving pieces, bake ware, a table-cloth or two and always the really pretty folding chairs all make their way to our house. It’s not that I don’t have these items myself, it’s that I don’t have enough for 18 people and 5 kids.

This Christmas is no exception. The folding chairs are in the back of the car already. Linen napkins too. My pretty silver shell dish is awaiting shrimp cocktail for Christmas morning and a spare “giant” table-cloth (we describe the length of the various table cloths that my mom and I own not in feet, but by the length of the table. I.E. “with one leaf in or with all three leafs in”. We have really big tables) is ready to go. And so the parade of items makes its way back across town. It just wouldn’t feel like the holidays if someone wasn’t walking in with chairs under one arm.