Dear Bowl Game Tourist,
So glad you could join us in the Valley of the Sun for your team’s bowl game this year. While we’re all so happy to see your hard-earned dollars, some of us are not as thrilled to see you.
I would like to point out a few things to you to reference for the remainder of your visit and also any future visits (God help us). First, it is not necessary for you to wear your team’s paraphernalia aaalll the time. Also, more than one article of clothing with team logos, colors, slogans, mascots, etc. is not only tacky, it’s overdone. The locations where you are wearing these items should also be noted; i.e. nice restaurants and church are two places you should refrain from wearing head to toe blue and bright orange. God is happy to see you, however, he is not an Auburn fan and would like you to leave your obnoxiously loud and somewhat blinding scarf at the hotel.
Also, if you look up the crime stats of Scottsdale, I think you’ll find the results very reassuring. Therefore wearing your purse strapped across your chest while buying native american “artifacts” in Old Town is not necessary. Also, we know it’s cold where you live and comparatively, Scottsdale is warm. However, bearing your pasty white legs with socks pulled up to mid calf and shorts so short they should be illegal is again, unnecessary.
Lastly, while I think it is awesome that you actually paid for the neat window flags that you put on each window of your car with a big yellow “O”, it would be smart to pay attention to where you are driving rather than looking at your pretty flags. For example: the yellow lane in the middle of the street is a turn lane. The one with white dashed lines is a through or driving lane. Therefore slamming on the brakes of your rental car in the middle of the driving lane rather than the turn lane is a problem. Also, the pretty white sign on the side of the road with the black numbers on it are speed limits, not speed suggestions. So do your very best to match the speedometer to that neat number.
So as Auburn takes on Oregon tonight, I can’t help but just be excited that it will soon be all over and you all will be traveling home. Good luck, safe travels and next year, just send us a check.