Tag: parents

Bar Hopping with the Iphone

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Today’s post is brought to you by  the one and only Noni. That’s right, Big Jude, my mom is the guest blogger today. She didn’t intend it, but when she sent me the following email, I knew it was perfect fodder for The Goon Room. So grab a drink and toast the 55+ crowd and their salute to the Iphone. Her quote about what kind of Iphone she has is my favorite – enjoy and thanks Nonester!

Yesterday I found the perfect place for a bar—next to the Apple store at Biltmore Mall.
 
Went to the Apple Store to have my Iphone checked out—you make the appointment on line (of Course) once you figure out how to move the page far enough down to let you see everything because of course you use the larger print on the computer than the under 30’s.  Then you book the appointment at the genius bar and you become hopeful—like maybe the Iphone can be fixed and no longer run down to dead battery every 4 hours, maybe it will finally connect to WIFI and that damn Siri will quit asking how she can help and when you tell her she just says—I’m busy now.
 
So off I go —a little early cause afterall they’re doing me this great service and I arrive –the store is a large loud box—all hard surfaces so everything is alive and moving—the tables are lined with goodies—Iphones, Ipads, computers, TV’s and there are no signs because cyber people know where to go because Siri told them….me unfortunately had that deer in the headlite look in my eye and I clutched my Iphone hoping somehow it would communicate with the mother ship and let her know I had arrived!
 
Everyone in the store that is a customer is an average age of 55+ (I’m being nice) and everyone working there is 19+ (again kindness).  I wanted to fit in so I thought I would look at an extra plug for my Iphone—make nice kinda—a perky young thing pounced on me and offered help—What kind of Iphone do you have—well I was ready–“White”!  She saw the little darling under my arm and snatched it up and announced —Just an Iphone!  Ok, I’m learning…..then she asks if I would like to check myself out—frankly I just got here and was hoping to check myself in—so I decline and she says ok—do you want me to email your receipt or do you want a paper receipt—well I figured she didn’t know my email so I say paper—only to find out they don’t have paper—so I said skip the receipt—I’m really here for trouble shooting.
 
Three very nice young people checked their tiny little wireless computers and saw I was indeed a “scheduled guest” for the genius bar!!  One of them drew the short straw and suggested I “take a load off”—now seriously at my age and backside don’t ever use the  word “load” in the same sentence with my name…..so I continued to stare into the vast array of things flashing, happening, and doing.  Finally a nice young man who only spoke Japanese appeared and announced he was there to help.  He asked me several questions with that thick Japanese broken English to which I politely replied “What???” and then he suggested a Reset was in store—so I handed over the Iphone and he proceeded to wipe it out as I watched and asked me to hold it for 5 minutes—I think this is similar to how the doctors let you visit with the sick family member before they pull the plug.  He pulled the plug and handed it back and said—if that didn’t fix it reschedule another appointment—so I walked out shell shocked realizing I had just lost all the phone numbers, my email, and my 3 new audio books and as I drove home in the quiet I realized a martini bar next to that store would have a steady flow of people (55+) all day long!!!  Anyone up for investing?

Things One Should Never Say to a Pregnant Lady (and my responses)

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“OH! Don’t you LOVE being pregnant??”

~While the end result is worth it, no, pregnancy is not top on my list of awesome things to do. Weeks of feeling like everything, including my hairstyle, is going to make me throw up – no wine – uncomfortable belly – yeah, it’s a real thrill ride.

“Get lots of sleep while you can!”

~First of all, shut up. Second, I’m what you call a belly sleeper and do you know what you can’t do when you’re pregnant? That’s right, sleep on your stomach. I spend all night thinking about how I could totally be asleep if I could just get a few minutes on my anterior.

“You look so tiny? Are you sure the baby is ok?” This is an actual question someone asked me with Baylor

~What in the world would make you feel that that was an appropriate question to ask?? Your head looks a little deformed, is everything ok with your brain?

“You don’t really look pregnant, you just look like you have a belly.”

~This is a quote from my mother. When I responded with “is that some kind of complement?? Gee, you don’t look pregnant, just fat!!” she fell apart laughing realizing how horrible it sounded and then admitted, yes, that was what she meant. Thank goodness I share her sick sense of humor.

Big Helper

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Yesterday morning, Baylor emerged from her bathroom declaring that she had brushed her teeth all by herself. We all got very excited and I made a mental note to rebrush them later…

While passing by her room, I noticed a very strong smell of strawberry…upon further inspection I found that apparently in the “toothpaste on the toothbrush” portion of the morning, she had squirted about a third of the bottle of toothpaste into the sink. And now it was hard and not easily washed off. Crap. I made another mental note to deal with it later.

In the evening, PW and I were making dinner and chatting about schedules when it dawned on me I hadn’t seen or heard the munchkin in a while. My “what are you doing??” yell was answered with “ANYTHING!!” which is translated to I’m not doing anything which is always a lie. Two minutes later she came running into the kitchen announcing that she had cleaned all the toothpaste out of the sink! Awesome, I thought…and then I really thought about her cleaning skills and got a little worried. I asked her to show me her good work…which is where I discovered that apparently in two year old world, cleaning the toothpaste out of the sink means using goldfish crackers to do so.

This time I made a mental note to tell PW that this was a daddy clean up job.

 

Maternity Jorts

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I remember being perplexed about this with Baylor, but my animosity towards the designer of maternity clothes has gotten worse this time around. Why the hell do all maternity clothes have bows, cap sleaves, ruffles or all of the above? Why are maternity shorts either of the baggy no shape variety or denim? Why must I dress like a 5 year old OR a redneck? Why doesn’t J.Crew have a maternity line?!

Oh. And don’t get me started on those assholes at Pea In The Pod. Their very nicely cut white shorts are SIXTY DOLLARS. I don’t spend $60 on any one item (ok, face cream. But really, that’s an investment in my future) why the hell would I spend it on shorts that I will wear for MAYBE 1 year total? Those jerks are trying to take advantage of my need for stretching waistlines and decent fabrics.

I mean I get it. I understand that some women want to cover up their arms or are in need of shapeless shorts to cover their posteriors. I was that lady (I tried on my postpartum shorts last week and they fell off while buttoned – Jen the trainer really had her work cut out for her) and there’s a strong possiblity that I’ll be that chick again. However, I have very strong intentions of keeping my sessions with Jen going, running and keeping my cookie cravings to a manageable amount (1 box is not a serving size). That said, until I balloon so the size of, well a balloon, I would like to look decent until the point where I wrap myself in a bed sheet toga style and call it a day.

See what I mean?

Ugh. The frayed cuff is a nice touch.

If I wanted to dress like Mrs. Dugger, I would grow my hair to my butt and move to Arkansas. Until then, no gracias.

Where to start? The pattern? The sleeves?  Bleh.

I guess where you see a need, it makes sense to fill it. I’m over starting a retail store though so if anyone out there is feeling ambitions, lets talk; I’ll design the clothes and the store, you run it and sell stuff – deal? Until then, I’ll be the lady hunting around Target and then running to the tailor to make me a decent wardrobe for the foreseeable future.

Aunt Beth

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I’ve been a step-aunt for several years now, but last Thursday I became a full fledged aunt when Mr. Mason finally made his entrance into the world! At 7lbs, 19 inches and just a smattering of hair, he really is cute!

And thankfully his mother was able to talk his father out of naming him Vercingetorix. Not kidding. That was on the table. Gary finally relented and said that it would be up to Ali to explain to him some day why his name isn’t as cool as it could have been. Ali was happy to take on that responsibility knowing that Mason would probably endlessly thank her for talking him out of it.

Mom’s Night Out Giveaway

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I’m so excited to announce that today I am giving away TWO TICKETS to the next Scottsdale Mom’s Blog Mom’s Night Out!!

The event is being held on Thursday, May 10 from 7:00PM to 9:00PM at the Ice Den in North Scottsdale. Each ticket is a $10 value and includes:

:: a glass of wine ::
:: delicious snacks ::
:: raffle entry & chance to win spectacular giveaways ::

If you’ve not been to a Mom’s Night Out event before, you’re in for a treat! Not only is it a great excuse to get out of the house / work early and enjoy a glass of wine with friends, but the giveaways are AMAZING. SMB draws some really fantastic sponsors like Boon, Giggle Boutique, Rodan and Fields and lots more. All you have to do is sit back, enjoy and wait to win!

 Here’s how you enter: comment below on why you need a mom’s night out. Potty training not going well? Work kicking your booty? Family making you bonkers? Tell me all about it! I’ll randomly choose a winner tonight at 10pm and announce the winner on tomorrow’s post. So get writing and good luck!

If you’re interested in purchasing tickets, send me a message and I’ll let you in on the early “friends only” link!!