Sh*t Happens

There is a strange phenomenon that happens when you become parents. It’s the poop phenomenon. And by that I mean that the topic of poop becomes an easily and often discussed topic. So much so that you find you have to censor yourself around your friends. You quickly start down the poopy path before you realize “hey, these people aren’t parents and we’re having dinner so save your diaper discussion for later, ass”.

One of the odd things you have to do when your child is a newborn is track all diaper activities to ensure that they are getting the proper nutrition. It’s very strange, but you literally keep a journal of all activities and feedings – I know it sounds silly, but when you’re sleeping 5ish hours per 24 hour period for a week, you tend to forget when you changed your clothes last, much less what the kiddo did. Soon after, the journal becomes part of your brain, you just naturally track what’s going on. Which leads to conversations about when the kid pooped, if it was a “good” poop (I’ll spare you the details on that), how many times she pooped and where you put the poop. The conversations further devolve into bargaining to pick up the dog poop and also to take care of your own poop without an audience. This includes both dogs and child. Doing anything behind a closed door becomes a huge luxury, especially when your kiddo is big enough to open said door (get knobs people, the lever door handles only help them).

The bargaining can be both a positive and a negative. “But I changed TWO poopy diapers today!!” is a great way to get your spouse to change a diaper or do some other undesired activity. A typical positive negotiation in our house goes something like this:

“I was going to hit the pool and swim laps this morning.”

“Sounds good – but I was hoping to catch a nap, get a full shower AND full hair and makeup this afternoon.”

“Not a problem – you throw in a poopy diaper change and you got your self a deal.”

When can you potty train them?!

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