Tag: humor

Kiddo Milestones I’m Grateful For

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I read another blog this week called Ironic Mom. She is a Canadian mom of twins and writes very funny and honest posts about life with her kids. I also hear her read with her Canadian accent in my head which makes it even better. Her post last week was about ten milestones that her twins had reached that she was grateful for and I started thinking of my own list. There aren’t ten of them, but they are huge milestones so I figure a few will do.

Sleeping through the night – Baylie might be the only kid I know that waited until she was almost 7 months old to finally sleep for a consecutive 8-11 hours at night. I am not a person who deals well with a lack of sleep, and after roughly 210 weeks of rarely sleeping more than 4 hours at a time, I was near death. I looked like a zombie and felt like one too. Finally, the excitement and exhaustion of getting together with family let her sleep for 10 hours Christmas Eve.  It was a Christmas Miracle!

Taking less than 40 minutes to drink a bottle – I never knew it would take so long to feed a baby. The first month of her life, it felt like it took hours to feed her. I remember watching reruns of talk shows at 3am willing her to eat faster.

Feeding herself – for a long time, Bay was a really picky eater. I would have to trick her into taking a bite of food and then push her to finish a few bites so that she would actually eat solid foods. Once she could feed herself finger foods, all that went away. She could feed herself what she wanted and at her own pace. I wasn’t locked to a chair but could make coffee, feed dogs or, gasp, feed myself!

Walking – I was so excited for B to walk. And then when she did, I was ready to jump off the roof. She was into everything that had previously been out of reach. She was also suddenly silent – there were no more hands slapping the ground as she crawled so she was able to slip away when I wasn’t looking. She instantly knew how to climb the couch, chairs, tables, walls and proceeded to do so often. After 2 days of baby proofing,  I was suddenly back in love with her walking. We could play chase, she could carry things, push things, be set down in a public place without me worrying about her contracting something horrible off the floor.

Understanding what I’m saying – We have been at the point for a few months now where Bay can comprehend what I’m saying. It’s amazing to be able to communicate with her. I love asking her where her nose, ears, fingers, belly button and booty are and she can find all of them. She understands that “bye bye” means that the person, place or thing is going away – or more likely that we’re going away. So when it’s time to leave the park we say “bye bye park” and she gets it. No tears, no fuss, just time to go. Mostly I like asking he to pick up all the toys out of the living room (one by one I identify them, but hey, it’s a start) and take them to her room. Some might call it child labor, I call it creative parenting.

I can’t wait for what is coming next. Although I’m concerned that when we get to the talking phase that I’m going to really regret not curbing my snarky remarks and swearing…

Things I am Ungrateful For – part 2

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By popular request,  a new list of crap that bugs me:

– Anti Meth commercials: They are big right now in  Arizona and consist of a recovering addict telling horrible stories of what they did while under the influence of meth. Do they REALLY think there is an addict out there or potential addict saying “wow, that sounds terrible, I better stop this”. My guess is that the addict or potential addict is saying “that won’t be me!!”. I’m not against anti-drug ads, just  this one.

– People who think the kids playground equipment is a great place to practice yoga: No sir, you “downward dog” is not at all freaking my child or me out. By all means, continue your creepiness.

– Parents who think their kids are geniuses: I think all parents think their kids are bright, I know I do. But I’m talking about the parents who think their kids are Harvard bound at age 8 months because, and I quote directly from a parent at swim lessons “Tommy is so smart! He made up his own sign language for milk!!”. Tommy is not smart. Tommy is hungry and is doing anything to get your attention and if patting his head is getting your attention, then that’s what he’s doing.

– People who give you a dirty look because you don’t let them go ahead of  you: Normally, I will let someone with less groceries in their cart go in front of me. But when the kid is teetering on melt down, my cart is slammed with food and I know we’ve got less than 20 minutes to get home, get cold stuff put away, and get a snack before nap time, I will not be letting you in front of me. Deal with it.

And now for something I am grateful for – good friends! Please check out Stephanie’s blog and enter for a chance to win a beautiful necklace. See the blog for details: http://www.babycross.wordpress.com.

Monkey Dance

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Baylie slept until 7:40 this morning. She hasn’t done that, well, ever. Maybe this whole “no morning nap” thing isn’t so bad after all…

Bay loves music and to dance so I thought I would find some cute kids songs to put on the Ipod for her.  I went to ITunes and typed in “kids music”. I disturbed a little by the lyrics of some of the kids songs – i.e. do you know all the words to “Pop goes the weasel”? I do now and they’re weird. It turns out it’s about drinking too much and having to pawn your good coat. I kid you not, look it up.

So I figured if we’re going to listen to something we can dance too and the “kids” songs are about drinking, we might as well listen to something that is actually enjoyable, even if it’s about drinking. Que my running playlist and the classic Beastie Boy’s Brass Monkey.

Brass monkey. That funky monkey…

Thankfully she makes the gestures for when we sing “No More Monkeys  Jumping on the Bed” and not like she’s tipping up her cup.

A Truly Disturbing Story

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I almost never ask Peter’s permission to write about him the blog.  He only finds out after reading the day’s post and then he calls me to comment and then say “and stop writing about me” (ha, as if everything is about him). However, this particular topic was his idea. It is truly a disturbing story. What is more disturbing is that he doesn’t think it’s disturbing which is why he suggested it would make a great post.

My sweet, loving, smart, magna cum laude undergrad, top ten law school educated, cum laude graduate, bills-out-at-$250-an-hour, big firm lawyer husband eats lentil soup out of a can for lunch at least three days a week. Yup. Straight out of a can. No heating it up. No separate bowl.  And he informed me that he didn’t want to walk down the hall to find a spoon so he at yesterday’s lunch with a fork. Insult to injury. The only thing worse would be slurping it directly out of the can or a spork. I think he didn’t use that only because he hadn’t been to the indian food restaurant lately and saved his disposable silverware. The really disgusting part is that he likes it. In fact, he chooses to eat it over anything else.

This is doubly disturbing for me, a person who makes a home cooked meal at least five nights a week. I even pack the leftovers in a separate container so he can take it for lunch the next day, free of the hassle of dishing it into a separate tupperware. I even bought him the kind of soup that you can stick in the microwave without having to find a clean, microwave safe bowl and he said it didn’t taste as good.

I fear the day when I’m going to have to tell Baylor that yes, her daddy is a weirdo. But something tells me that she’s probably going to figure this out on her own. What can I say? He was cute in high school (and still is!).

Nap Time No More

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I knew this day was coming. I’ve been fighting it for months. But apparently now at 17 months, Baylie has won and so she no longer takes a morning nap.

Now, I know all the non-moms are saying “Yeah, so?”. But all the moms are giving me a solomn, sad and knowing nod. Because the end of a morning nap means there is only one nap in a day instead of two. The whole day’s routine now has to be adjusted and new events and activities planned to fill the void left by the lack of a nap.

Even though Baylor no longer needs that morning nap, I still very much want and need that morning nap! Well, nap time any way. It’s at that time I do crazy things like shower, dry my hair and attempt to look like a human, laundry, dishes, ironing, dog washing, house cleaning, blogging, bill paying, connecting with the outside world, etc. And other important things like go to the bathroom without an audience / assistant waiting to pull out the toilet paper for me.

The upside is that with this new phase of circadian rhythm is that Bay is content to entertain herself for longer periods of time. On a good day it  means she will play nicely in her room while simultaneously watching Baby Einstein and without taking a header off of anything. On a not so good day, it means this:

 

 


So farewell morning nap. You will be missed!!

Things I Have Learned from Halloween

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1. Don’t buy candy until the day of Halloween when it is not just 20% off, but 60% off.

2. No matter how hard you try, you are going to under or over-estimate the amount of candy you need. This year: over-estimated.

3. Do not dress the kiddo in any costume where she can remove part of it herself. I.E. ears and or a tail

4. Do not accidentally catch the kiddo’s hair in her glow necklace. It will lead to her hysterically crying when she sees them in the future.

5. If a heard of teenagers dressed in all black who out weigh you and out number you come to your door, throw your rules about not giving out candy to such people and give them the candy.

6. No matter how hard I try, the kid is not going to A. look at the camera B. keep her costume on and look at the camera or C. smile, look at the camera and keep on her costume.

7. If the kid doesn’t learn to trick-or-treat this year or even next year, the world will not end. I need to enjoy the fact that she is perfectly content to sit on the patio and hand out candy to other munchkins.

8. I am an  master pumpkin carver!

I’m melting!!!

Well This Can’t Be Good…

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Last night, I opened a two pack of Halloween sized Starburst and found two lemon Starbursts. Disgusted, I threw them back in the bag and pulled out another. Same thing. Then another and again, found two yellow Starbursts. Realizing that this was surely a sign of the apocalypse, I moved onto the Snickers.

In an effort to conserve some money this year, I am rationing out the candy. No more “help yourself!” to all the rug rats that come to the door. Instead, my costume is going to be the crabby neighbor lady who is sipping wine on the front patio and doles out no more than 2 pieces per person to those under the age of 12 and over the age of 2. No multiple handfuls for the 15 year olds that come with the creepy and often downright terrifying masks. Or worse, no costume at all. And I am for sure turning down the adults holding the 3 month old baby’s bag and trick-or-treating “for the baby”. Keep walking sista. If you want some candy, confiscate it from your other kids.

And because I am still scarred from my beautiful Pottery Barn bowl being stolen off our front stoop in DC, I will not be leaving a bowl of candy on the patio once we’ve turned in for the night. I will, however, consider hiding in the bushes to spray any smart asses who think it’s funny to bang on the door after we’ve turned the patio light off.

Happy Halloween!!

7 Things I am Ungrateful For

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Things that I find extremely annoying:

7. Ratty haired children. Buy some freaking “No More Tears” conditioner, spray or whatever and brush the freaking kids hair.

6. Slow drivers who then speed up to make it through a yellow light leaving you at the red.

5. People who work out with their hair down. I understand if people don’t adhere to my strict “no hair loose even if it means I look like a beast” policy, but really, all your hair down and in your face??

4. Crazy drivers/parkers in the church parking lot. Everyone’s Catholic, until there’s only one “good” spot left.

3. Those stupid stickers people have on their cars with the three letter abbreviations on them.  Worse, the ones that are for a destination no one cares about. Example: HUD for Hudson, Ohio.

2. When a Lady Gaga song gets stuck in your head and you can hear it in your sleep. I had to finally give in and just start liking her to make it stop.

1. The lady at the CHILDREN’S park who lets her ugly little dog drink out of the human drinking fountain rather than the dog one (yes, there really is a little doggy drinking fountain). No no, ma’am, I love dog slobber and germs all over the drinking fountain. I don’t get enough of that at home so please, by all means.

I Heart Sesame Street – Even if Katy Perry is Inappropriately Dressed

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First, I don’t actually think what she was wearing was all that bad – I have that shirt in purple (only kidding). Just in case you’ve been living in a cave:

http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/a-line/sesame-street-pulls-controversial-katy-perry-duet/624

But this is not the point of today’s blog. The point is that my sweet Baylie Bay has discovered Sesame Street. She’s previously only ever been interested in Baby Einstein and would never pay attention to anything on TV (except for the Geico commercial where the little piggy screams “wwweeeeee!!!”. She loves that one). It’s probably because it’s almost always on the Today Show and even I don’t watch it, I just need people speaking in full sentences with actual words in the background so I don’t lose it.

However, this morning when I put on channel 8 just to see what she would do, she was transfixed. Maybe it was because they were doing laundry and this has been one of B’s favorite activities since she could stand and move things from the washer to the dryer. Or maybe she’s just ready to move beyond colorful toys and classical music, by Momma is in heaven. A half hour of quiet time outside of the meer 2 hours of nap time a day is golden. It means a shower, hair and makeup without having to wrestle my mascara away from her. A chance to get dressed all at one time instead of pulling Bay out of the dog water dish while trying to get on jeans. Ahhh, serenity is a shower in silence.

On a side note, we packed up the Pack n’ Play yesterday and put it into storage where it will wait for the next kiddo. It was a little bittersweet. 30% of me was a little sad to see the bed that Bay slept in for the first 2 months (ok, 5) of her life leave our bedroom. The other 70% of me was shocked that our room is SO MUCH BIGGER without a pack n’play, two dog crates and a sound machine. You see, Bear and Travis did not take kindly to Ms.B when she first arrived so we reintroduced crates, which they actually really like. And in fear that they would feel neglected if moved to the office rather than sleep in our room, we put their crates in there. And because two elderly dogs make a lot of noise in their sleep (snuffling, farting, snoring) and so do babies (snuffling, farting, snoring – no one tells you that they make TONS of noise even when they sleep!) and Peter talks in his sleep (I, however, am totally silent and keep to my side of the bed and in no way steal the covers and wrap myself up so that Peter can’t get them back), we had a very loud sound machine to drown out all the noise so everyone could actually sleep.

Now, the crates are gone. The pack n’play is gone and the sound machine has moved to Bay’s room with her. All that’s left is silence – which in our world means only a slightly quieter din – but to us, it’s heaven.

This Is Why I Don’t Get Anything Done

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Reasons I don’t accomplish much in a day other than keeping everyone alive:

1. Baylie dumping dog food into the water bowl and Bear T. Dog bobbing for it. Both of them and the floor covered in water.

2. Nothing is as fun as a messy room. As soon as Mommy cleans it up, Baylie messes it up.

3. I call a handy man to fix the pull out trash can and he calls me two days later and wants me to go online to find the replacement.

4. Leaky diapers.

5. Baylie and I plant two flats of petunias. Baylie pulls most of them out while my back is turned watering the pots.

 

It’s a good thing she’s so stinking cute. And yes, she’s playing with a tube of toothpaste…