Category: Rants

Things That Shouldn’t Bug Me But Do

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1. When it’s too hot to open the doors or windows. Which means every time I make a meal, the house smells like it for hours. And change hours to days when it involves turkey tacos or Brussels Sprouts with bacon.

2. The inability of some parents to master the parachute at The Little Gym. It is not complicated: grab handle, lift up, step forward and pull parachute behind you, sit down on handle. The result? A super cool tent like thing that is supported by the air trapped under the parachute. Call me a 2-year-old for thinking it’s neat, but it totally is. Which means I get mad like a 2-year-old when a mom can’t figure out how to follow 5 steps, thus letting out all the air and ruining it for everyone.

3. Caillou the cartoon. Not only is the kid annoying, but Baylor is obsessed with watching it. While the main character, Caillou, is pretty whiny, my main issue is with his parents. They are model parents with infinite amounts of patience. They never get upset, yell, scold or do any other normal parenting thing. They make everything fun, ignore bad behavior and are always dropping what they are doing to appease Caillou. I am waiting for the day that the kiddo says to me “Caillou’s mommy wouldn’t say ‘your behavior makes mommy want to drink'”.

Again, another topic for Baylor to discuss in therapy some day.

What Should You Do?

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Peter, Baylor, our friend Cameron and myself all met at one of our favorite restaurants, Orange Table for breakfast on Sunday. Peter and Cameron had been out “killing clay” (i.e. at the shooting range) so B and I met them there.

As we were sitting on the over stuffed couches waiting, a little girl about 4 years old and her parents walked in. When the girl saw Bay, she immediately made a beeline for her, ripped the sun glasses off of Baylor’s face and proceeded to rifle through Bay’s bag of books and other entertainment. Baylor’s immediate response was a look at me like “why would she do that?!”. Annoyed, but not wanting to make a scene, I said to the girl “these are Baylor’s toys. You need to ask her if you would like to play with them”. As I finished this statement, I noticed the girl’s parents were watching me say this to their daughter and yet didn’t do anything. Thankfully the hostess showed them to their table.

Just when I thought the coast was clear, the girl came running back over to retrieve a toy she had left. Baylor saw her coming and politely held up the forgotten stuffed animal. Again, the girl ripped the toy out of Baylor’s hand and then made a swipe for Bay’s bracelets (she was well accessorized). This time the father followed the girl and sat down to WATCH her repeatedly grab at, pull on and steal from my daughter. He said hello and introduced himself but never said anything to his kid. At this point I’m getting to incredulous and about to say something like “could you please ask her to stop since she is not listening to me?” when Peter walked in.

PW gave me a strange look which I answered with a “I have no idea who these people are and yes, they are making me crazy too”  face. At the same time, he witnessed the little girl grab a book out of Baylor’s hand and shout “MINE!!” which Peter answered with “NO, no it’s not” and took the book back from the girl. All the time, her dad is sitting on the couch saying nothing, just smiling like an idiot. It was then that I noticed the mother was sitting right behind me, seeing all of this and also doing nothing.

We were finally shown to our table and got to leave the little terror behind. Sadly it didn’t stop her from running to our table at least 3 times to again try to take a toy, a phone or a bite of Baylor’s breakfast. And again, parents were right be hind her saying nothing.

Peter and Cameron were shocked. I was annoyed but this isn’t the first time we’ve encountered ill behaving children whose behavior is ignored by their parents. I hesitate to tell the parent’s how I really feel about these situations because I don’t want to run into these people later and learn that I burned potential clients for Peter or the family’s guest lodge or after I’ve accidentally rear ended them and they decide to call the police instead of just exchanging insurance.

So I am putting this out as a question: what do you do in these situations? How do you handle it when you cannot get away from a kid who is being a demon? Do you say something to the parents? Ignore it? I welcome any and all comments and I will post a follow-up in a few days with some of the responses. Bonus points for the funny, ridiculous and best of all, clever responses.

My Call Is NOT Important…

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Listen DMV, let’s not pretend. My call is most definitely not important to you seeing as I’ve been on hold for 15 minutes. Lets just call a spade a spade and instead of interrupting the bad music every ten seconds making me think that you’re actually answering my call, just tell me you don’t care and you’ll get to my call when you get to it. Then at least I would respect you

This is the third time I’ve called to work out this an updated picture notice I received and so I knew all the numbers to push without having to listen to the loooong recording. The tricky bastards DISCONNECTED me because I pushed the buttons without waiting for the prompt. That’s low, even for you DMV.

Dear APS….

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Dear Arizona Public Service,

I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed ALL the advertising that I was subjected to at the Diamondbacks v Cubs game on Friday night. Not only do I think a new logo was totally appropriate, I think the constant and unrelenting marketing was absolutely necessary. Because there’s nothing that I love more that forking over my daughter’s college fund to cool our home to a mear 81 degrees inside while the temperatures outside reach 115. Because I have a choice on which electric company I choose…OH WAIT. No, no I don’t. I don’t get to choose which electric company I want to hand over my hard earned money to – so the fact that you’re using said hard earned dollars to put your new and no-very-exciting logo right next to  the batter’s name and stats is TOTALLY UNNECESSARY. Why would you avertise when your customers don’t actually get to choooose you as a provider?? Are you just rubbing this fact in my face?? Why on earth would you need to advertise to a public that has no choice but to pay your astronomical prices?!

Just wait APS. Juuust wait. I’m going to get solar panels some day and when you have to send me a check rather than the other way around, I’m going to take out an ad at Chase Field that says “EAT IT APS. KISSES, BETH”.

Sir, We GET IT

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We live near a large park and in general have very active neighbors. I tend to see the same people out often in about a 1 mile radius around our house and especially jogging on the canal. I’ve noticed lately that I have seen the same guy running all over the place; near the mall, near the grocery, at the park, etc.

The reason I notice him is not for the reasons I think he would want to be noticed for. First, he always wears a beanie. It can be 60 degrees or 100+ and the guy always has on a beanie. Second, he’s never wearing a shirt. Third, he wears cargo shorts. And lastly but certainly not leastly, he has two LARGE Doberman Pincers on a joined leash tied around his waist.

The first time I saw this dude running by my car, my thought was “We get it! You workout! A lot! And you have tough dogs! You want everyone looking at you to think you’re tough too! But the dogs tied to your waist might be a touch overboard!”.

Every time I see him, I can’t help but think about what kind of person he is – because you can’t workout like that and not be a total and complete weirdo. I imagine him to be that guy in the office who is short and bald so he makes up for it by talking loudly and also condescendingly to his coworkers. He drives a BMW, but only makes $30k a year. He wears Ed Hardy shirts (when he does wear a shirt) and  he doesn’t have a conversation without texting on his blackberry.

In short, I hate this guy. It takes great strength to stop my car in front of him, roll down the window and scream “REALLY?!?!”. And on the outside chance someone reading The Goon Room knows Mr.Shirtless Waist Leash guy, do him a favor and give him the link to the blog. And a shirt. And a memo that says “enough already, we GET IT”.

Coupons Shmoopons

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I keep seeing the commercials for this show called Extreme Couponing on TLC. Here’s the link: http://press.discovery.com/us/tlc/programs/extreme-couponing/

Basically, these women go to crazy lengths to get multiple coupons which then lead to their entire grocery bill totalling $0. Meaning they have so many coupons, they don’t have to pay anything.

I do grab a few coupons here and there when I get them in the mail or from family members who don’t use them. My sister and I trade the leftovers from each Sunday’s paper and I end up with a little stack each week for the grocery. I refuse to buy anything that I don’t need or a brand I don’t like. If it’s not Jiffy Peanut Butter, I’m not interested.  Lately, I’ve had a few duplicates and I was very excited to live my own Extreme Couponing dream knowing that a few items on my list would be totally free. The money saving is just a bonus. Really, it’s turned into a challenge so saving money means duh, WINNING.

And here’s where I call bullshit on the Extreme Coupon movement. I have been to Safeway, Target, Fry’s and even (gasp) WalMart. And let me tell you, NONE OF THEM will take more than one coupon per item. Meaning if I buy one box of Truvia sweetener and I have three coupons, I can only use one coupon per box.

So how are these people doing it?! If WALMART won’t help me out, who will? Do these women stalk the cashier that they know either doesn’t know or  doesn’t care about the number of items to the number of coupons ratio?? That said, how are they buying 20 boxes of pasta for free? Are there coupons out there for the total cost of an item?? And who needs 20 boxes of pasta??

I guess my experiment goes down in the “failed” column. And I can stop trying to hoard extra coupons from family and friends and take a few dollars saved as a win. And leave the food hording, paper cut fingers, dumpster diving for tossed newspapers and cashier convincing to the “professionals”. You win ladies, you win.

Rules Based on Fiction

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One of the many benefits of living in Scottsdale Arizona is spring training. That magical time of year when the boys of summer practice America’s Favorite Past Time less than a mile from our house. There are few things that I think are close to what heaven is like – but sitting in the sun, watching a game and drinking a beer is one of them.

I’ve noticed the following occurance before, but never asked why until this season. At most spring training stadiums when a beer, soda or water is purchased, the consessions employee removes the top and then hands the customer the bottle. If asked for the cap, the employee will refuse to give it to the customer.

This may not seem like a big deal, but if I buy a beer and a bottle of water, I really want the water for later and without the cap I risk knocking over the bottle and spilling the water. Which is a very likely scenario. So this makes the whole no cap business pretty annoying. And if it possibly involves possibly spilling my beer, down right scarry.

I asked a concession worker who looked to be about twelve years old why I couldn’t have the cap. He launched into a tirade about how they can’t give the caps because people fill the empty or nearly empty bottles with dirt, seal them with a cap and then launch the dirt bottles at the players. And before I could say “couldn’t they do that anyway without the cap?!” he anticipated my question by saying “and no, it wouldn’t work without the cap so that’s why we don’t give the caps”.

Peter and I promptly decided this was crap and proceeded to the next beer stand – for research of course – and got the same response. As we sipped our beers we were flooded with questions; where do you get the dirt to put in the bottle? If you made a mud mixture, you wouldn’t really need a cap, right? Even if the bottle didn’t have a cap, wouldn’t it still hurt to get hit with a partially filled bottle? Couldn’t you use something other than a cap? Like gum to seal the bottle? And on and on. We were obsessed. Who and where had this horrible atrocity occured thus ruining the containment of liquids for everyone? And was the damage so bad that the entire major leauge got together to make this a rule? Should they ban bottles of every kind? What about peanut bags filled with dirt? Or peanuts? What about hotdogs filled with dirt? The last few may have been the beer talking.

As we walked into the Cubs v Dodgers game on Sunday, we were solicited by a man selling frozen water bottles outside the stadium. His sign said that if you leave the bottle caps sealed, you can take them into the stadium and they were a third of the price than those sold in the stadium. So we bought and sure enough, the ticket takers were more interested in my bag than anything else. So we had done it. We had gotten bottles WITH CAPS into the stadium.

Now, to find some dirt.

Things I am Ungrateful For

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1. No toddler cough syrup. It amazes me that the medical world can transplant organs, cure horrible diseases, etc. And yet they can’t come up with a cough medicine for a sick 20 month old. I say we lock some scientist up with a few sick toddlers for a few days and see what they come up with. My guess would be some kick ass cough syrup.

2. Benadryl. It doesn’t  help Baylie sleep because she hates the taste and spits most of it out.

3. Rude people. People that are in line at CVS at 1pm on a Wednesday buying beer and don’t let the mom with a sick and sleeping kiddo slung over her shoulder with her enormous purse on the other arm, pedialyte pops and tylenol in her hand go in front of them. I know that was an awkward and run on sentence and no, I don’t care.

4. Mother Nature. I get that it’s winter and all, but the extreme wind that keeps blowing the blankets, towels, frost cloth, sheets, etc. off of my plants thus negating all my hard work to keep them from freezing, is a bit overkill, no? It’s fun to make it feel like winter now and then, but could we cap that low temperature around 40 degrees?

5. Stupid people. Why would someone call and leave you a voice mail stating the purpose of their call and a request for a call back without telling you their name? Idiots, that’s who.

 

Bowl Game Tourists – It’s Time To Go Home

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Dear Bowl Game Tourist,

So glad you could join us in the Valley of the Sun for your team’s bowl game this year. While we’re all so happy to see your hard-earned dollars, some of us are not as thrilled to see you.

I would like to point out a few things to you to reference for the remainder of your visit and also any future visits (God help us). First, it is not necessary for you to wear your team’s paraphernalia aaalll the time. Also, more than one article of clothing with team logos, colors, slogans, mascots, etc. is not only tacky, it’s overdone. The locations where you are wearing these items should also be noted; i.e. nice restaurants and church are two places you should refrain from wearing head to toe blue and bright orange. God is happy to see you, however, he is not an Auburn fan and would like you to leave your obnoxiously loud and somewhat blinding scarf at the hotel.

Also, if you look up the crime stats of Scottsdale, I think you’ll find the results very reassuring. Therefore wearing your purse strapped across your chest while buying native american “artifacts” in Old Town is not necessary. Also, we know it’s cold where you live and comparatively, Scottsdale is warm. However, bearing your pasty white legs with socks pulled up to mid calf and shorts so short they should be illegal is again, unnecessary.

Lastly, while I think it is awesome that you actually paid for the neat window flags that you put on each window of your car with a big yellow “O”, it would be smart to pay attention to where you are driving rather than looking at your pretty flags. For example: the yellow lane in the middle of the street is a turn lane. The one with white dashed lines is a through or driving lane. Therefore slamming on the brakes of your rental car in the middle of the driving lane rather than the turn lane is a problem. Also, the pretty white sign on the side of the road with the black numbers on it are speed limits, not speed suggestions. So do your very best to match the speedometer to that neat number.

So as Auburn takes on Oregon tonight, I can’t help but just be excited that it will soon be all over and you all will be traveling home. Good luck, safe travels and next  year, just send us a check.

Kisses!

 

 

Oooh You Nasty Boys

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Baylie and I hit the park to play and feed the ducks at least twice a week. B climbs up to the BIG slide and swirls her way down to the sand. Then back up and back down at least 10 times. It wears her out and builds up her coordination. Educational AND exhausting – my favorite combination.

The ducks and geese at the park are very people friendly. If you walk towards them, they walk towards you in anticipation of snacks. I would even venture to say too friendly as the geese hiss at you if you’re not fast enough with the stale graham crackers. But it doesn’t phase Bay, she throws a few broken crackers, eats a few and enjoys making duck sounds.

Yesterday marked the second time I regulated on some kid at the park. It’s never very busy, but there is inevitably some kid, usually a boy, that is there with a baby sitter or a parent on a cell phone.  And thus, the kid is running wild and not in a good way. They run past the toddlers on the playground nearly knocking them over. They scream “NO BABIES!!” in my munchkins’ face. Or they chase and kick at the ducks as we are feeding them. Sadly for them, I’m not that mom that ignores this kind of behavior, especially if it’s going to hurt my kid or an animal.

The part that really ticks me off is that the guardian of the two kids I’ve yelled at never say a word. They just ignore the fact that a stranger has disciplined (or attempted to) their kid. Maybe they are embarrassed, or maybe they really don’t care – but I really want to know, why do mom’s allow their sons to be so abusive? I know the saying “boys will be boys” which, I get, to an extent. I’ve babysat for three brothers 5 days a week for at least 2 summers so I get boys being rougher on each other and their need to wrestle (this post isn’t about them, btw, they were a blast – mostly because I won most of the wrestling matches). But are parents really teaching  their  kid to be a decent human being by letting them strike at a defenseless animal or worse, child? I’m not saying it’s easy to do. It’s not fun having to tell your child no or wait out a temper tantrum (I actually have no problem with this because I have no shame) in public, but it’s necessary. I think the thing that is easy to forget is that we’re not raising kids, we’re raising small adults. And if we’re not the one’s to tell them to behave, is that because we think it will be better if they hear it from their teacher, or worse, their boss some day?