Tag: rants

Circus Overloadus

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Ho.Ly. Cats. I’m even too wiped out to write this post so I’m going to do it in bullet points:

-3 is too young to take your child to the circus. Unless they are totally ADD and enjoy a freakish amount of senory stimulation.

-30 is too old to go to the circus. Unless you are deaf and mostly blind and or enjoy a freakish amount of sensory stimulation.

-Circus animals are by far some of the meanest, most unhappy looking animals I’ve ever seen. I was pretty sure the lion “tamer” was a gonner as each time he walked by one of them, they took a swipe. The horses looked like they were ready to bite and or buck their riders while they were mid pyramid stand.  Perhaps PETA is onto something..

-Why the hell is the circus so long?! We bailed out early after B found my purse more interesting than the acrobats at around an hour and fifteen minutes. We went to lunch with PW, bathroom and then a 2 block walk to the car and the thing STILL WASN’T OVER.

-How does anyone decide they are going to work for the circus? Are there try outs? And what do those job applications look like? Like how do they know they need motorcycle riders that drive on a tight rope with two acrobats hanging beneath them?! Do you have to own your own bubble looking apparatus to hang from and gyrate out of?

-When did it all get so theme-y? Can’t they just have some animals and some fun tricks? Why does there have to be a dragon? And a dragon hunt? I thought circus was a theme.

-Lastly, are the ticket prices so freaking expensive because of all the OSHA requirements? Because my ticket prices were not worth what we saw.

-Lesson learned: no more circus visits until B is at least 10 or unless someone else is taking her. And footing the bill.

Total Eclipse of the Mind

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I love all things celestial. I like constellations, shooting stars, meteors, planets, eclipses – if it’s happening in the sky, I’m in.

Last week the news was all about the  upcoming solar eclipse. It’s the first time it’s been visible in Arizona in 18 years. And you know what? I know exactly where I was for the last one. I was 11 and it was summer. Our awesome summer babysitter, Kim, had taken Ali and I downtown to a small festival all about the eclipse. There were tons of instruments and fun eyewear that made it safe to look at the eclipse – I even remember that you could see the shadow of the moon over the sun in the small pin holes in the tent. It was awesome.

So you would think I would have at least made a post it note for the solar eclipse that happened yesterday, yes? You would be wrong. A brutal combination of baby brain and busy weekend left me totally without a reminder to look up. What’s worse is that I knew something was up. I walked out of the office and said to Peter “am I nuts or did it get dark outside in the last 5 minutes?”. Avoiding the obvious answer of “are you really asking me to confirm your sanity?” he agreed, it had gotten darker. I looked out back and concluded that some dark cloud had descended on our house…the light was just so strange. And STILL, nothing. Not even a hint of a reminder went off in my head that the totally amazing eclipse was going on.

It wasn’t until later when I saw Facebook posts about the event that I realized A. I’m an idiot B. there was no dark cloud but rather the moon passing between Earth and the sun causing a shadow on Earth and C. I blew it! I was so bummed. Especially after seeing some of the pics:

Obviously this was taken with a special lens…but STILL. Isn’t it cool?? And to think I was goofing around indoors the entire time. Arg!

Maternity Jorts

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I remember being perplexed about this with Baylor, but my animosity towards the designer of maternity clothes has gotten worse this time around. Why the hell do all maternity clothes have bows, cap sleaves, ruffles or all of the above? Why are maternity shorts either of the baggy no shape variety or denim? Why must I dress like a 5 year old OR a redneck? Why doesn’t J.Crew have a maternity line?!

Oh. And don’t get me started on those assholes at Pea In The Pod. Their very nicely cut white shorts are SIXTY DOLLARS. I don’t spend $60 on any one item (ok, face cream. But really, that’s an investment in my future) why the hell would I spend it on shorts that I will wear for MAYBE 1 year total? Those jerks are trying to take advantage of my need for stretching waistlines and decent fabrics.

I mean I get it. I understand that some women want to cover up their arms or are in need of shapeless shorts to cover their posteriors. I was that lady (I tried on my postpartum shorts last week and they fell off while buttoned – Jen the trainer really had her work cut out for her) and there’s a strong possiblity that I’ll be that chick again. However, I have very strong intentions of keeping my sessions with Jen going, running and keeping my cookie cravings to a manageable amount (1 box is not a serving size). That said, until I balloon so the size of, well a balloon, I would like to look decent until the point where I wrap myself in a bed sheet toga style and call it a day.

See what I mean?

Ugh. The frayed cuff is a nice touch.

If I wanted to dress like Mrs. Dugger, I would grow my hair to my butt and move to Arkansas. Until then, no gracias.

Where to start? The pattern? The sleeves?  Bleh.

I guess where you see a need, it makes sense to fill it. I’m over starting a retail store though so if anyone out there is feeling ambitions, lets talk; I’ll design the clothes and the store, you run it and sell stuff – deal? Until then, I’ll be the lady hunting around Target and then running to the tailor to make me a decent wardrobe for the foreseeable future.

Dear Weatherman

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Dear Weatherman,

STOP IT. Stop telling me that there is a “cool down” on the way. Stop telling me that there’s “a chance for showers”. Stop saying that “we’ve seen the last of the triple digits!”. Stop saying it because you know they are all lies. Vicious, filthy lies. Every time there is a blessed 80 on the seven-day forecast, it keeps moving. It starts out on Thursday. And the next day it’s not coming until Friday. And on Friday, it’s coming on Monday. And suddenly it’s 105 again and the “cool down is coming!”. I can’t take it anymore!

So until you’re ready to come clean and be honest about the fact that even thought it’s October, it’s still 102 and that’s just the way it is, then I think we need some time apart.

Best,

Beth

The CarCart – Bain of my Existance

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What I want to know is this: who is the asshole who created the car cart at the grocery store?? Because this person should be forced to push this contraption around with them everywhere they go and see what a pain in the ass it is.

First of all, the placement of the car is not helpful. It’s low and in front of the basket which makes it impossible to A. steer and B. see where you’re going. Many an end of aisle display has been damaged by these beasts.

Second, because the actual car part is low to the ground, the kiddo is constantly hanging out a window or the windshield trying to get a better view. Or worse case, she decides it’s more fun to push the cart. Thus making what is already an annoying process, impossible.

Third, the damn things are always filthy. I even asked the manager at Safeway (who is on a first name basis with both Baylor and I because we’re there so much) if they could clean them. He says they sprayed them in bleach and scrubbed and they still look like a herd of pigs stomped through them.

I’ve had to resort to more and more elaborate lies to keep B out of them. The car is out of gas, it’s stuck, it’s broken, it’s only for big kids…the list goes on an on. And then there are days where the lies just don’t work and I give into the persistence. Only to end up pushing the cart with the help of my assistant – which turns a half hour trip into an hour plus. All the while cursing the car cart….

Things That Shouldn’t Bug Me But Do

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1. When it’s too hot to open the doors or windows. Which means every time I make a meal, the house smells like it for hours. And change hours to days when it involves turkey tacos or Brussels Sprouts with bacon.

2. The inability of some parents to master the parachute at The Little Gym. It is not complicated: grab handle, lift up, step forward and pull parachute behind you, sit down on handle. The result? A super cool tent like thing that is supported by the air trapped under the parachute. Call me a 2-year-old for thinking it’s neat, but it totally is. Which means I get mad like a 2-year-old when a mom can’t figure out how to follow 5 steps, thus letting out all the air and ruining it for everyone.

3. Caillou the cartoon. Not only is the kid annoying, but Baylor is obsessed with watching it. While the main character, Caillou, is pretty whiny, my main issue is with his parents. They are model parents with infinite amounts of patience. They never get upset, yell, scold or do any other normal parenting thing. They make everything fun, ignore bad behavior and are always dropping what they are doing to appease Caillou. I am waiting for the day that the kiddo says to me “Caillou’s mommy wouldn’t say ‘your behavior makes mommy want to drink'”.

Again, another topic for Baylor to discuss in therapy some day.

What Should You Do?

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Peter, Baylor, our friend Cameron and myself all met at one of our favorite restaurants, Orange Table for breakfast on Sunday. Peter and Cameron had been out “killing clay” (i.e. at the shooting range) so B and I met them there.

As we were sitting on the over stuffed couches waiting, a little girl about 4 years old and her parents walked in. When the girl saw Bay, she immediately made a beeline for her, ripped the sun glasses off of Baylor’s face and proceeded to rifle through Bay’s bag of books and other entertainment. Baylor’s immediate response was a look at me like “why would she do that?!”. Annoyed, but not wanting to make a scene, I said to the girl “these are Baylor’s toys. You need to ask her if you would like to play with them”. As I finished this statement, I noticed the girl’s parents were watching me say this to their daughter and yet didn’t do anything. Thankfully the hostess showed them to their table.

Just when I thought the coast was clear, the girl came running back over to retrieve a toy she had left. Baylor saw her coming and politely held up the forgotten stuffed animal. Again, the girl ripped the toy out of Baylor’s hand and then made a swipe for Bay’s bracelets (she was well accessorized). This time the father followed the girl and sat down to WATCH her repeatedly grab at, pull on and steal from my daughter. He said hello and introduced himself but never said anything to his kid. At this point I’m getting to incredulous and about to say something like “could you please ask her to stop since she is not listening to me?” when Peter walked in.

PW gave me a strange look which I answered with a “I have no idea who these people are and yes, they are making me crazy too”  face. At the same time, he witnessed the little girl grab a book out of Baylor’s hand and shout “MINE!!” which Peter answered with “NO, no it’s not” and took the book back from the girl. All the time, her dad is sitting on the couch saying nothing, just smiling like an idiot. It was then that I noticed the mother was sitting right behind me, seeing all of this and also doing nothing.

We were finally shown to our table and got to leave the little terror behind. Sadly it didn’t stop her from running to our table at least 3 times to again try to take a toy, a phone or a bite of Baylor’s breakfast. And again, parents were right be hind her saying nothing.

Peter and Cameron were shocked. I was annoyed but this isn’t the first time we’ve encountered ill behaving children whose behavior is ignored by their parents. I hesitate to tell the parent’s how I really feel about these situations because I don’t want to run into these people later and learn that I burned potential clients for Peter or the family’s guest lodge or after I’ve accidentally rear ended them and they decide to call the police instead of just exchanging insurance.

So I am putting this out as a question: what do you do in these situations? How do you handle it when you cannot get away from a kid who is being a demon? Do you say something to the parents? Ignore it? I welcome any and all comments and I will post a follow-up in a few days with some of the responses. Bonus points for the funny, ridiculous and best of all, clever responses.

Dear APS….

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Dear Arizona Public Service,

I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed ALL the advertising that I was subjected to at the Diamondbacks v Cubs game on Friday night. Not only do I think a new logo was totally appropriate, I think the constant and unrelenting marketing was absolutely necessary. Because there’s nothing that I love more that forking over my daughter’s college fund to cool our home to a mear 81 degrees inside while the temperatures outside reach 115. Because I have a choice on which electric company I choose…OH WAIT. No, no I don’t. I don’t get to choose which electric company I want to hand over my hard earned money to – so the fact that you’re using said hard earned dollars to put your new and no-very-exciting logo right next to  the batter’s name and stats is TOTALLY UNNECESSARY. Why would you avertise when your customers don’t actually get to choooose you as a provider?? Are you just rubbing this fact in my face?? Why on earth would you need to advertise to a public that has no choice but to pay your astronomical prices?!

Just wait APS. Juuust wait. I’m going to get solar panels some day and when you have to send me a check rather than the other way around, I’m going to take out an ad at Chase Field that says “EAT IT APS. KISSES, BETH”.

Sir, We GET IT

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We live near a large park and in general have very active neighbors. I tend to see the same people out often in about a 1 mile radius around our house and especially jogging on the canal. I’ve noticed lately that I have seen the same guy running all over the place; near the mall, near the grocery, at the park, etc.

The reason I notice him is not for the reasons I think he would want to be noticed for. First, he always wears a beanie. It can be 60 degrees or 100+ and the guy always has on a beanie. Second, he’s never wearing a shirt. Third, he wears cargo shorts. And lastly but certainly not leastly, he has two LARGE Doberman Pincers on a joined leash tied around his waist.

The first time I saw this dude running by my car, my thought was “We get it! You workout! A lot! And you have tough dogs! You want everyone looking at you to think you’re tough too! But the dogs tied to your waist might be a touch overboard!”.

Every time I see him, I can’t help but think about what kind of person he is – because you can’t workout like that and not be a total and complete weirdo. I imagine him to be that guy in the office who is short and bald so he makes up for it by talking loudly and also condescendingly to his coworkers. He drives a BMW, but only makes $30k a year. He wears Ed Hardy shirts (when he does wear a shirt) and  he doesn’t have a conversation without texting on his blackberry.

In short, I hate this guy. It takes great strength to stop my car in front of him, roll down the window and scream “REALLY?!?!”. And on the outside chance someone reading The Goon Room knows Mr.Shirtless Waist Leash guy, do him a favor and give him the link to the blog. And a shirt. And a memo that says “enough already, we GET IT”.

Coupons Shmoopons

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I keep seeing the commercials for this show called Extreme Couponing on TLC. Here’s the link: http://press.discovery.com/us/tlc/programs/extreme-couponing/

Basically, these women go to crazy lengths to get multiple coupons which then lead to their entire grocery bill totalling $0. Meaning they have so many coupons, they don’t have to pay anything.

I do grab a few coupons here and there when I get them in the mail or from family members who don’t use them. My sister and I trade the leftovers from each Sunday’s paper and I end up with a little stack each week for the grocery. I refuse to buy anything that I don’t need or a brand I don’t like. If it’s not Jiffy Peanut Butter, I’m not interested.  Lately, I’ve had a few duplicates and I was very excited to live my own Extreme Couponing dream knowing that a few items on my list would be totally free. The money saving is just a bonus. Really, it’s turned into a challenge so saving money means duh, WINNING.

And here’s where I call bullshit on the Extreme Coupon movement. I have been to Safeway, Target, Fry’s and even (gasp) WalMart. And let me tell you, NONE OF THEM will take more than one coupon per item. Meaning if I buy one box of Truvia sweetener and I have three coupons, I can only use one coupon per box.

So how are these people doing it?! If WALMART won’t help me out, who will? Do these women stalk the cashier that they know either doesn’t know or  doesn’t care about the number of items to the number of coupons ratio?? That said, how are they buying 20 boxes of pasta for free? Are there coupons out there for the total cost of an item?? And who needs 20 boxes of pasta??

I guess my experiment goes down in the “failed” column. And I can stop trying to hoard extra coupons from family and friends and take a few dollars saved as a win. And leave the food hording, paper cut fingers, dumpster diving for tossed newspapers and cashier convincing to the “professionals”. You win ladies, you win.